I'm sitting here typing this, and glancing over at Emily as she plays and babbles in her bouncer, I'm so happy to have her here, safe and healthy after all the fear and the scares while I was pregnant with her, but so bloody sad as well, not for any particular reason, just a general sadness that doesn't seem to want to go away. It pervades my moods all day, making a happy time duller, and a sad time even more sad.
I don't know if it's just related to the month of September and all the sad things that I relate to this month (I wasn't feeling too bad before now and was starting to feel a bit happier with life in August), or if something else is at work.
September is the month my first Angel, Tomas, was due to be born. September 5th 2005 was his estimated due date, and this January will mark 8 years since I lost him.
I often wonder about if only everything had gone to plan, if only he hadn't had the problems that he had, if only I hadn't terminated the pregnancy due to fear and the lack of willpower to just say NO, then maybe I'd have a 7 year old son now. But if he had been healthy and I had given birth to him I might not have ever met my husband in November 2007, I wouldn't have given birth to Jaycen on December 2008, or Elise in 2011, and I most definitely wouldn't have given birth to Emily just 10 weeks ago.
It's a bitter-sweet thinking about the "what ifs", and what could have been.
I have been having a lot of bad dreams lately, involving c-sections, dead babies and hysterectomies.
I have no idea what they mean but they are scary and when I wake up I'm either dripping in sweat or crying.
I hate this feeling of knowing that this is the end of my childbearing years. I'm only 25, Matt is only 30, yet because he had a vasectomy when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Emily we won't be having any more children. I won't lie, it hurts, bad. It kills me inside that I won't get to have the big family with 6+ kids that I've wanted to have since I was 10 years old. The pain of not being able to acheive yet another of my dreams is one of the things that makes me cry a lot. I look down at my belly, at the loose skin and leftover fat, the saggy bit at the bottom from my c-section with Jaycen that I can do the flip-flop thing like Adam Sandler does in his post-liposuction scene in the movie Click!, knowing that I'll never have the miracle of another baby growing within me, never feel those first little tickles and flutters of a baby moving inside me and later the big kicks, rolls, hickups and elbows in the rips/hips as I got closer to full term. Even though I'll never experience the horrible all day sickness (Hyperremesis Gravidarum) and the other aches and pains, heartburn, back labour and all the other aches and pains as well, I always complained about them while pregnant but I will honestly miss them all. Most of all I will miss that amazing moment when I first pushed my babies out and then when they were first placed into my arms. That first snuggle with a newborn, it's an experience that you can't describe in words, but if you've been through it then you will know exactly what it's like, it's incredible.
I'm a little depressed that I won't be able to experience that ever again. I keep on going over it in my head, which probably isn't a good idea, but I just can't move on from this and get over it/ I want more babies, I can't help how I feel or what I want, I just really want to have more babies, I don't feel finished yet.
Reading back over this blog entry I've realised I'm still writing depressively. I guess that will be the way I write for a while until I can come to terms with the way my life is going and my changed future.
Until next time.
Jenna - xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment