A few weeks ago when I started writing this blog I was in a very dark place. Looking back I can't help but compare it to the way I felt as a teenager when I was teased and felt isolated and alone even among friends, the way I always felt after each loss, the way I felt while I was pregnant with Elise, and it was the most like the way I felt when I was in the deep dark place after losing Tomas.
So even though I'm feeling a lot better emotionally I'm still left with the question "When will I get over this pain of never having another baby?" I really need to know! How long will it take for me to be able to look at a pregnant woman without feeling this horrible jealousy, this pain, anger and frustration?
I don't know why I'm still feeling like that, I hate feeling like this. I want to be normal again.
Back to other news, I have a new phone so I will be able to post some pics in future blog entries.
My driving is still going well, I've made a few errors but it's all part of learning and I haven't crashed the car yet or hit anyone so that's a good thing!
Wednesday next week I will be driving us up to Matt's parents place in Seaspray for an overnight visit to the beach since Thursday is supposed to be really nice and warm. Hope the weather forecast stays the same and doesn't change to "cold with rain", I've had enough of cold and rain after todays weather.
That's it for now. Until next time,
Jenna - xoxo
Friday 28 September 2012
Tuesday 25 September 2012
On A High
Today I am on a bit of a high, I managed to get some things done that I've been wanting to do for a bit.
I managed to get most of the rodent cages cleaned out.
The veggie patch has been dug over and I purchased seedlings yesterday which I planted in it today - Tomatoes, Zucchini, Cucumber, Peas, Carrots, Celery, Spinach and Lettuce. Soon I will plant the seeds that I have (peas, tomatoes and lettuce) into trays to try and grow them too. I still have to buy some leaks, broccoli and cauliflower to plant as well, and I might get some spring onions and a few other things next fortnight if I can find things that I like.
I also started tidying up my study today and packing things that I don't need right now away.
Tomorrow Jaycen has a morning session at daycare so I will be catching up on the dishes and hopefully do some more tidying in my study.
My driving has been going well too, although there are still many things I need to work on (not cutting people off by accident is the main thing) and just as many things still to learn (reverse and parallel parking for example), but I am finally at the point where I am really looking forward to going driving, and to being able to drive on my own without Matt in the car. We have talked about the car as well, Matt would like to get a twin-cab ute at some point, and I would like to have a smaller car (we currently have a station wagon, which while great for travelling distances with the kids and the dog I have a lot of trouble judging the length of the car and the distance between the back and front of the car and things around us while driving) so there are a lot of things to think about for my driving future.
On Thursday I am hoping that my best friend Janelle will come to visit, it is supposed to be 27 degrees C, a beautiful spring day! So we have plans to spend the day outside beading while Matt plays with the kids and does some painting with them. And I am hoping Janelle will join me on Saturday for the local Rodent Fanciers Picnic. I am taking one of my girl rats and her babies along, and might take some of the baby mice as well since some of them will be available for sale in a few weeks. Apparently one of the Melbourne rat breeders is coming down to visit all of us Gippsland rodent lovers, it will be interesting to have a chat with her and learn more about her breeding methods. I would love to bring some new rats home with me, but I am not allowed to as I am in the process of reducing my numbers while working on the health of my lines and producing younger rats to breed from in future.
On Sunday it will be the NRL Grand Final, and the Rugby team that we support, the Melbourne Storm, is playing, so Matt has set up the shed and connected the set-top box and aerial to the projector so that we (us and some of our friends) can watch it live on the 7ft projector screen with the wood fire going if it gets cold.
I am looking forward to it, and I really hope that Storm wins since we lost our place in the Grand Final last year due to a salary cap scandal within the NRL (Storm were used as the scapegoat even though every other club was doing it too, some worse than Storm). So we will be kept busy getting ready for it.
Emily is asleep in the bouncer at the moment, so I am catching up on watching episode 4 of "Call The Midwife" which I missed on Sunday.
Until next time,
Jenna - xoxo
I managed to get most of the rodent cages cleaned out.
The veggie patch has been dug over and I purchased seedlings yesterday which I planted in it today - Tomatoes, Zucchini, Cucumber, Peas, Carrots, Celery, Spinach and Lettuce. Soon I will plant the seeds that I have (peas, tomatoes and lettuce) into trays to try and grow them too. I still have to buy some leaks, broccoli and cauliflower to plant as well, and I might get some spring onions and a few other things next fortnight if I can find things that I like.
I also started tidying up my study today and packing things that I don't need right now away.
Tomorrow Jaycen has a morning session at daycare so I will be catching up on the dishes and hopefully do some more tidying in my study.
My driving has been going well too, although there are still many things I need to work on (not cutting people off by accident is the main thing) and just as many things still to learn (reverse and parallel parking for example), but I am finally at the point where I am really looking forward to going driving, and to being able to drive on my own without Matt in the car. We have talked about the car as well, Matt would like to get a twin-cab ute at some point, and I would like to have a smaller car (we currently have a station wagon, which while great for travelling distances with the kids and the dog I have a lot of trouble judging the length of the car and the distance between the back and front of the car and things around us while driving) so there are a lot of things to think about for my driving future.
On Thursday I am hoping that my best friend Janelle will come to visit, it is supposed to be 27 degrees C, a beautiful spring day! So we have plans to spend the day outside beading while Matt plays with the kids and does some painting with them. And I am hoping Janelle will join me on Saturday for the local Rodent Fanciers Picnic. I am taking one of my girl rats and her babies along, and might take some of the baby mice as well since some of them will be available for sale in a few weeks. Apparently one of the Melbourne rat breeders is coming down to visit all of us Gippsland rodent lovers, it will be interesting to have a chat with her and learn more about her breeding methods. I would love to bring some new rats home with me, but I am not allowed to as I am in the process of reducing my numbers while working on the health of my lines and producing younger rats to breed from in future.
On Sunday it will be the NRL Grand Final, and the Rugby team that we support, the Melbourne Storm, is playing, so Matt has set up the shed and connected the set-top box and aerial to the projector so that we (us and some of our friends) can watch it live on the 7ft projector screen with the wood fire going if it gets cold.
I am looking forward to it, and I really hope that Storm wins since we lost our place in the Grand Final last year due to a salary cap scandal within the NRL (Storm were used as the scapegoat even though every other club was doing it too, some worse than Storm). So we will be kept busy getting ready for it.
Emily is asleep in the bouncer at the moment, so I am catching up on watching episode 4 of "Call The Midwife" which I missed on Sunday.
Until next time,
Jenna - xoxo
Sunday 23 September 2012
Driving Lessons + Elise walking and new words
Not much to report really, I did go driving again the other day, just to the shops and back again.
I went driving yesterday too, and again today.
I now have 7 hours and 14 minutes of driving experience, only another 112 hours and 46 minutes left until I will feel comfortable going for my Probationary License, so my goal of getting it by this time next year is well within reach, though Matt is hoping I get it earlier, say by February next year. We shall see.
Other news is that Elise is finally walking everywhere on her own instead of walking while holding onto furniture and the walls. She really started doing it 3 days ago just by walking in circles around the lounge room, and now she is confident enough to walk everywhere but can only walk for short stretches before she needs to have a rest.
She has also learned 2 new words - Cool and Uh-Oh, she is having some trouble pronouncing them properly and getting the right pitch but considering she will be 18 months old on the 30th and was only saying "Mum-mum", "Dad-dad", "Nan-nan", "Bub-bub", "Bot-Bot" and "Pretty" before now it is about time she learnt a new word.
Me, I am feeling a bit better emotionally today, although I am very tired and just want to sleep a lot which I can't do right now. I did manage to have a mostly undisturbed shower this morning by putting the bouncer in the bathroom and having Emily in it where she could see me and putting a "My Little Pony" DVD on for Jaycen and Elise.
Jaycen is in love with My Little Pony at the moment, although I am getting tired of hearing "I want the ponies on again! turn the ponies on again!" every time the DVD finishes, that and the DVD gets extremely boring after 100 repetitions lol
I have purchased 9 new My Little Pony DVDs off eBay, so hopefully they will arrive this coming week and we can watch something new. I am revisiting my childhood with 5 of these DVDs, 4 of which are the original My Little Pony Tales episodes in DVD form (from the 1990's), 4 are the generation 3-3.5 style DVDs (2000's) and 1 is the original movie. I hope the kids like them as much as they like the current "Twinkle Wish Adventure" DVD.
Well that is it for now, I have to go and start getting some things ready for dinner tonight - Squid Tubes stuffed with CousCous with a Chilli-Lime yoghurt dressing, Yummo!
Until next time,
Jen - xoxo
I went driving yesterday too, and again today.
I now have 7 hours and 14 minutes of driving experience, only another 112 hours and 46 minutes left until I will feel comfortable going for my Probationary License, so my goal of getting it by this time next year is well within reach, though Matt is hoping I get it earlier, say by February next year. We shall see.
Other news is that Elise is finally walking everywhere on her own instead of walking while holding onto furniture and the walls. She really started doing it 3 days ago just by walking in circles around the lounge room, and now she is confident enough to walk everywhere but can only walk for short stretches before she needs to have a rest.
She has also learned 2 new words - Cool and Uh-Oh, she is having some trouble pronouncing them properly and getting the right pitch but considering she will be 18 months old on the 30th and was only saying "Mum-mum", "Dad-dad", "Nan-nan", "Bub-bub", "Bot-Bot" and "Pretty" before now it is about time she learnt a new word.
Me, I am feeling a bit better emotionally today, although I am very tired and just want to sleep a lot which I can't do right now. I did manage to have a mostly undisturbed shower this morning by putting the bouncer in the bathroom and having Emily in it where she could see me and putting a "My Little Pony" DVD on for Jaycen and Elise.
Jaycen is in love with My Little Pony at the moment, although I am getting tired of hearing "I want the ponies on again! turn the ponies on again!" every time the DVD finishes, that and the DVD gets extremely boring after 100 repetitions lol
I have purchased 9 new My Little Pony DVDs off eBay, so hopefully they will arrive this coming week and we can watch something new. I am revisiting my childhood with 5 of these DVDs, 4 of which are the original My Little Pony Tales episodes in DVD form (from the 1990's), 4 are the generation 3-3.5 style DVDs (2000's) and 1 is the original movie. I hope the kids like them as much as they like the current "Twinkle Wish Adventure" DVD.
Well that is it for now, I have to go and start getting some things ready for dinner tonight - Squid Tubes stuffed with CousCous with a Chilli-Lime yoghurt dressing, Yummo!
Until next time,
Jen - xoxo
Thursday 20 September 2012
My Bad Luck With Technology
I seem to be having some really horrendous bad luck with technology lately - first my HTC Incredible S smartphone died (the adaptor that you put the USB cable into failed first and then the battery went), second my laptop got a virus that will let it start up but won't let me log in to it (all our photo's of the kids and places we have been are on it), and third now my phone has gone missing in transit!
You'd think Optus wouldn't lose a mobile phone that they send off to be repaired, but they have. The customer service person that we spoke to on the phone then had the gall to tell us that they weren't liable and legally didn't have to replace the phone, which is a complete crock of shit! By LAW they are required to replace any item that is lost while in their care, just as any other company is required to do if things in their care go missing.
So I am still without my phone and relying on a 7yr old dodgy Samsung flip phone with no internet access that is unable to send, receive or take photo's, in order to stay in contact with people. And wasting my 2.38gig of download data that I still have in credit which is due to expire on September 26th, which also marks a full month since my phone died and was sent off to be repaired.
I really don't know how I managed without my smartphone before I purchased it in early September last year, it has been so difficult the last 3.5 weeks without it. I am cut off from my online support network on Facebook (I can't use Facebook on my husband's laptop, I can only browse ebay and google and update this blog), I am also unable to take pictures of the kids, our life, friends or even our pets - the Dog and the Rats & Mice.
My own mum who lives interstate and has only seen the kids a few times in person (She still hasn't met Emily yet) can't even see updated photo's of them as they grow which is the worst thing of all, she has missed out on seeing almost a whole month of their lives that I could have uploaded onto Facebook for her if my phone hadn't of died and hadn't gone missing.
To add to this my period turned up yesterday, I feel cheated as I am breastfeeding and it still turned up, I was hoping it wouldn't show up for at least 6 months, and it's yet another reminder that I won't be having more kids. I'll have another 20+ years of getting it pretty much every month, of having the cramps and horrible pain, as I refuse to have a hysterectomy, until I go through menopause. What fun, NOT!
Yes I know this is another vent/down post, so I'll bring it up with something happier - my driving lessons.
So far I have 3 hours and 20 minutes of driving experience under my belt, only another 116 hours and 40 minutes of driving time left to go before I will feel comfortable and positive enough to go for my Probationary License and get my P-plates.
On wednesday I did 36 minutes of driving, did a few laps around one of the local football ovals and then drove the few blocks (including going around a round-a-bout) to home. The only down thing about Wednesday's lesson was when I was practicing my parking I hit the metal fence that surrounds the football field. It brought on a bloody migraine, so I'm not feeling 100% at the moment.
Yesterday I had my 3rd driving lesson and drove from Clarke's Road in Hazelwood North all the way up to Jeeralang Junction and then into Churchill and then all the way back home, I even got up to 100km/h but had one brief scare where I didn't pay attention to the road properly and started veer into another lane by accident, I could have caused a car accident which scared the crap out of me, at least this time I didn't have a panic attack. I missed our driveway though when we got home and ended up half on the road half on the nature strip just past our driveway, so that wasn't very good. Last night I had my 4th driving lesson, a very short one going from home to Mid Valley Shopping Center to get some things and then from Mid Valley back to home, this time I made it into the driveway! Such a relief.
Matt wants me to go for another drive today, but if the strong winds keep up then I won't feel comfortable going for a drive today, I don't feel ready for that yet as I have enough trouble staying in one lane when there isn't any wind and if I have to fight the wind while driving as well then I will be more likely to have an accident now than I will be in a few weeks when I have more experience and confidence in driving.
I mentioned our pets further up this post so I will tell you about them now. We have a dog named Libby, a Rottweiler, who will be 11 in February, and pet Rats and Mice that I breed. I sell the mice as pets because I can guarantee their health and I am working on their friendliness, but I don't sell any of the rats as I am working on the health and friendliness of their lines. We have a lot of issues down here in the Latrobe Valley with the health of rodents who live outside so I am undertaking a long term project to improve their health as they do live outside.
I have 9 adult mice and currently have 9 baby mice, in a variety of colours (Siamese, Blue, Chocolate, Brindle, Black and White) although the babies are all Manx and one of the males is a Manx.
I have 15 adult rats, 8 females and 7 males, in Black Hooded, Black Berkshire, Black Varigated Berkshie, Agouti, Mink Capped, Champagne Hooded and Blue Hooded with Standard and Rex coats, and I currently have 9 baby Rats in Black Hooded, Champagne Hooded, Dalmation and Black Eyed White with Rex coats.
So those are our pets :)
We are also currently working on our vegetable garden, we have Sage and Rosemary bushes growing which have been in their for 3 years now and are doing great, when we first started it we grew Blueberries in a pot, Strawberries, lettuce and snow peas which did really well, the snow peas kept on producing for 5 months before they finally died off, we must have got about 8kg of snow peas off the vines during that time and they were so delicious!
The 2nd year we didn't plant anything as we just didn't have the time, we just moved the Strawberry to a pot to stop Jaycen from eating them lol, and still had the blueberries in a pot, we got around 100 blueberries from the one plant.
Last year we grew Garlic, Onions (which failed and never grew to more than 1.5cm in size), Zucchini, Lettuce (from the previous years lettuce which we had let go to seed), Cherry Tomato's (which were so yummy!) and Strawberries (which we moved to the front of the house because Jaycen still kept on eating them lol), and the blueberries still grew but we only got around 20 as it was a really hot summer.
This year we will be growing our strawberries again, the blueberry bush must have around 200 flowers on it this year so hopefully we get that many from it, I will be planting lettuce again along with Snow Peas, Sugar Snap Peas and Cherry Tomato's, and I'm hoping to plant some cucumber and zucchini again, and possibly carrots, Broccoli, Caulliflower and beans, and if Matt will let me some Pumpkins as well.
It is something to look forward to anyway, Matt has nearly finished digging up and removing the cooch grass from the veggie patch and once he has finished he will be mixing blood and bone fertilizer through the soil (it's pretty good soil anyway but water comes down from the roof of the rat shed into the veggie patch and a lot of the good nutrients end up being washed away when we have big downpours in winter and spring so we like to prepare the soil first before we plant anything in spring and then top up with liquid fertilizer every month or so while things are growing).
Well that is it for this entry, until next time.
Jenna - xoxo
You'd think Optus wouldn't lose a mobile phone that they send off to be repaired, but they have. The customer service person that we spoke to on the phone then had the gall to tell us that they weren't liable and legally didn't have to replace the phone, which is a complete crock of shit! By LAW they are required to replace any item that is lost while in their care, just as any other company is required to do if things in their care go missing.
So I am still without my phone and relying on a 7yr old dodgy Samsung flip phone with no internet access that is unable to send, receive or take photo's, in order to stay in contact with people. And wasting my 2.38gig of download data that I still have in credit which is due to expire on September 26th, which also marks a full month since my phone died and was sent off to be repaired.
I really don't know how I managed without my smartphone before I purchased it in early September last year, it has been so difficult the last 3.5 weeks without it. I am cut off from my online support network on Facebook (I can't use Facebook on my husband's laptop, I can only browse ebay and google and update this blog), I am also unable to take pictures of the kids, our life, friends or even our pets - the Dog and the Rats & Mice.
My own mum who lives interstate and has only seen the kids a few times in person (She still hasn't met Emily yet) can't even see updated photo's of them as they grow which is the worst thing of all, she has missed out on seeing almost a whole month of their lives that I could have uploaded onto Facebook for her if my phone hadn't of died and hadn't gone missing.
To add to this my period turned up yesterday, I feel cheated as I am breastfeeding and it still turned up, I was hoping it wouldn't show up for at least 6 months, and it's yet another reminder that I won't be having more kids. I'll have another 20+ years of getting it pretty much every month, of having the cramps and horrible pain, as I refuse to have a hysterectomy, until I go through menopause. What fun, NOT!
Yes I know this is another vent/down post, so I'll bring it up with something happier - my driving lessons.
So far I have 3 hours and 20 minutes of driving experience under my belt, only another 116 hours and 40 minutes of driving time left to go before I will feel comfortable and positive enough to go for my Probationary License and get my P-plates.
On wednesday I did 36 minutes of driving, did a few laps around one of the local football ovals and then drove the few blocks (including going around a round-a-bout) to home. The only down thing about Wednesday's lesson was when I was practicing my parking I hit the metal fence that surrounds the football field. It brought on a bloody migraine, so I'm not feeling 100% at the moment.
Yesterday I had my 3rd driving lesson and drove from Clarke's Road in Hazelwood North all the way up to Jeeralang Junction and then into Churchill and then all the way back home, I even got up to 100km/h but had one brief scare where I didn't pay attention to the road properly and started veer into another lane by accident, I could have caused a car accident which scared the crap out of me, at least this time I didn't have a panic attack. I missed our driveway though when we got home and ended up half on the road half on the nature strip just past our driveway, so that wasn't very good. Last night I had my 4th driving lesson, a very short one going from home to Mid Valley Shopping Center to get some things and then from Mid Valley back to home, this time I made it into the driveway! Such a relief.
Matt wants me to go for another drive today, but if the strong winds keep up then I won't feel comfortable going for a drive today, I don't feel ready for that yet as I have enough trouble staying in one lane when there isn't any wind and if I have to fight the wind while driving as well then I will be more likely to have an accident now than I will be in a few weeks when I have more experience and confidence in driving.
I mentioned our pets further up this post so I will tell you about them now. We have a dog named Libby, a Rottweiler, who will be 11 in February, and pet Rats and Mice that I breed. I sell the mice as pets because I can guarantee their health and I am working on their friendliness, but I don't sell any of the rats as I am working on the health and friendliness of their lines. We have a lot of issues down here in the Latrobe Valley with the health of rodents who live outside so I am undertaking a long term project to improve their health as they do live outside.
I have 9 adult mice and currently have 9 baby mice, in a variety of colours (Siamese, Blue, Chocolate, Brindle, Black and White) although the babies are all Manx and one of the males is a Manx.
I have 15 adult rats, 8 females and 7 males, in Black Hooded, Black Berkshire, Black Varigated Berkshie, Agouti, Mink Capped, Champagne Hooded and Blue Hooded with Standard and Rex coats, and I currently have 9 baby Rats in Black Hooded, Champagne Hooded, Dalmation and Black Eyed White with Rex coats.
So those are our pets :)
We are also currently working on our vegetable garden, we have Sage and Rosemary bushes growing which have been in their for 3 years now and are doing great, when we first started it we grew Blueberries in a pot, Strawberries, lettuce and snow peas which did really well, the snow peas kept on producing for 5 months before they finally died off, we must have got about 8kg of snow peas off the vines during that time and they were so delicious!
The 2nd year we didn't plant anything as we just didn't have the time, we just moved the Strawberry to a pot to stop Jaycen from eating them lol, and still had the blueberries in a pot, we got around 100 blueberries from the one plant.
Last year we grew Garlic, Onions (which failed and never grew to more than 1.5cm in size), Zucchini, Lettuce (from the previous years lettuce which we had let go to seed), Cherry Tomato's (which were so yummy!) and Strawberries (which we moved to the front of the house because Jaycen still kept on eating them lol), and the blueberries still grew but we only got around 20 as it was a really hot summer.
This year we will be growing our strawberries again, the blueberry bush must have around 200 flowers on it this year so hopefully we get that many from it, I will be planting lettuce again along with Snow Peas, Sugar Snap Peas and Cherry Tomato's, and I'm hoping to plant some cucumber and zucchini again, and possibly carrots, Broccoli, Caulliflower and beans, and if Matt will let me some Pumpkins as well.
It is something to look forward to anyway, Matt has nearly finished digging up and removing the cooch grass from the veggie patch and once he has finished he will be mixing blood and bone fertilizer through the soil (it's pretty good soil anyway but water comes down from the roof of the rat shed into the veggie patch and a lot of the good nutrients end up being washed away when we have big downpours in winter and spring so we like to prepare the soil first before we plant anything in spring and then top up with liquid fertilizer every month or so while things are growing).
Well that is it for this entry, until next time.
Jenna - xoxo
Tuesday 18 September 2012
Dreams and Wishes
I'm sitting here typing this, and glancing over at Emily as she plays and babbles in her bouncer, I'm so happy to have her here, safe and healthy after all the fear and the scares while I was pregnant with her, but so bloody sad as well, not for any particular reason, just a general sadness that doesn't seem to want to go away. It pervades my moods all day, making a happy time duller, and a sad time even more sad.
I don't know if it's just related to the month of September and all the sad things that I relate to this month (I wasn't feeling too bad before now and was starting to feel a bit happier with life in August), or if something else is at work.
September is the month my first Angel, Tomas, was due to be born. September 5th 2005 was his estimated due date, and this January will mark 8 years since I lost him.
I often wonder about if only everything had gone to plan, if only he hadn't had the problems that he had, if only I hadn't terminated the pregnancy due to fear and the lack of willpower to just say NO, then maybe I'd have a 7 year old son now. But if he had been healthy and I had given birth to him I might not have ever met my husband in November 2007, I wouldn't have given birth to Jaycen on December 2008, or Elise in 2011, and I most definitely wouldn't have given birth to Emily just 10 weeks ago.
It's a bitter-sweet thinking about the "what ifs", and what could have been.
I have been having a lot of bad dreams lately, involving c-sections, dead babies and hysterectomies.
I have no idea what they mean but they are scary and when I wake up I'm either dripping in sweat or crying.
I hate this feeling of knowing that this is the end of my childbearing years. I'm only 25, Matt is only 30, yet because he had a vasectomy when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Emily we won't be having any more children. I won't lie, it hurts, bad. It kills me inside that I won't get to have the big family with 6+ kids that I've wanted to have since I was 10 years old. The pain of not being able to acheive yet another of my dreams is one of the things that makes me cry a lot. I look down at my belly, at the loose skin and leftover fat, the saggy bit at the bottom from my c-section with Jaycen that I can do the flip-flop thing like Adam Sandler does in his post-liposuction scene in the movie Click!, knowing that I'll never have the miracle of another baby growing within me, never feel those first little tickles and flutters of a baby moving inside me and later the big kicks, rolls, hickups and elbows in the rips/hips as I got closer to full term. Even though I'll never experience the horrible all day sickness (Hyperremesis Gravidarum) and the other aches and pains, heartburn, back labour and all the other aches and pains as well, I always complained about them while pregnant but I will honestly miss them all. Most of all I will miss that amazing moment when I first pushed my babies out and then when they were first placed into my arms. That first snuggle with a newborn, it's an experience that you can't describe in words, but if you've been through it then you will know exactly what it's like, it's incredible.
I'm a little depressed that I won't be able to experience that ever again. I keep on going over it in my head, which probably isn't a good idea, but I just can't move on from this and get over it/ I want more babies, I can't help how I feel or what I want, I just really want to have more babies, I don't feel finished yet.
Reading back over this blog entry I've realised I'm still writing depressively. I guess that will be the way I write for a while until I can come to terms with the way my life is going and my changed future.
Until next time.
Jenna - xoxo
I don't know if it's just related to the month of September and all the sad things that I relate to this month (I wasn't feeling too bad before now and was starting to feel a bit happier with life in August), or if something else is at work.
September is the month my first Angel, Tomas, was due to be born. September 5th 2005 was his estimated due date, and this January will mark 8 years since I lost him.
I often wonder about if only everything had gone to plan, if only he hadn't had the problems that he had, if only I hadn't terminated the pregnancy due to fear and the lack of willpower to just say NO, then maybe I'd have a 7 year old son now. But if he had been healthy and I had given birth to him I might not have ever met my husband in November 2007, I wouldn't have given birth to Jaycen on December 2008, or Elise in 2011, and I most definitely wouldn't have given birth to Emily just 10 weeks ago.
It's a bitter-sweet thinking about the "what ifs", and what could have been.
I have been having a lot of bad dreams lately, involving c-sections, dead babies and hysterectomies.
I have no idea what they mean but they are scary and when I wake up I'm either dripping in sweat or crying.
I hate this feeling of knowing that this is the end of my childbearing years. I'm only 25, Matt is only 30, yet because he had a vasectomy when I was 20 weeks pregnant with Emily we won't be having any more children. I won't lie, it hurts, bad. It kills me inside that I won't get to have the big family with 6+ kids that I've wanted to have since I was 10 years old. The pain of not being able to acheive yet another of my dreams is one of the things that makes me cry a lot. I look down at my belly, at the loose skin and leftover fat, the saggy bit at the bottom from my c-section with Jaycen that I can do the flip-flop thing like Adam Sandler does in his post-liposuction scene in the movie Click!, knowing that I'll never have the miracle of another baby growing within me, never feel those first little tickles and flutters of a baby moving inside me and later the big kicks, rolls, hickups and elbows in the rips/hips as I got closer to full term. Even though I'll never experience the horrible all day sickness (Hyperremesis Gravidarum) and the other aches and pains, heartburn, back labour and all the other aches and pains as well, I always complained about them while pregnant but I will honestly miss them all. Most of all I will miss that amazing moment when I first pushed my babies out and then when they were first placed into my arms. That first snuggle with a newborn, it's an experience that you can't describe in words, but if you've been through it then you will know exactly what it's like, it's incredible.
I'm a little depressed that I won't be able to experience that ever again. I keep on going over it in my head, which probably isn't a good idea, but I just can't move on from this and get over it/ I want more babies, I can't help how I feel or what I want, I just really want to have more babies, I don't feel finished yet.
Reading back over this blog entry I've realised I'm still writing depressively. I guess that will be the way I write for a while until I can come to terms with the way my life is going and my changed future.
Until next time.
Jenna - xoxo
Saturday 15 September 2012
A better day
Here is my second post - so far so good, here's hoping I can keep up with this blogging thing.
As the post title says today was a better day. I don't know if I have a mild case of post natal depression or if it's just an extended period of the baby blues - my GP seems to think it's just the baby blues but I'm at the point where I'm considering changing GPs and getting another referral - but I'm feeling a lot like I did when I was pregnant with Elise; generally out of control, down, isolated and alone, angry and upset.
I'm having trouble dealing with Jaycen who has developed quite an attitude (rather like myself when I was his age come to think of it, and if he's keeps on following in my footsteps Matt and I will be in for one heck of a ride trying to cope with him). Elise has turned into a sook, she is teething and has just had 2 teeth cut through (numbers 9 and 10) and has another one moving through the gum, so she isn't a very happy girl and wakes up several times a night because she loses her dummy that she likes to suck on for comfort. Add to this that all of us are sick with a nasty cold, Jaycen and Elise are more sick than the rest of us with a nasty cough and Jaycen's asthma (that only comes up when he is sick) has flared up again, we've had to give him his puffer 4 times in the past week.
Before I made my first post the other day we had been up in Melbourne for 2 days, on the wednesday we attended the Fine Food Australia Expo for people in the hospitality, food manufacter and food retail industries. Matt is a chef so he got us tickets, and I have my RSA (Responsible Service of Alcohol Certificate) so I was able to attend as well even though I don't work as I am a stay at home mum.
My best friend Janelle came up with us to watch Jaycen and Elise as we weren't able to take them with us into the expo, we were only allowed to take Emily with us in the sling that I bought just under 2 months ago, so Janelle took Jaycen and Elise to the Melbourne Aquarium for the day, they loved it.
She got some photo postcards made up with them and a little booklet with a photo in it for us, so once I get my phone back next week (the charger adaptor in it broke 3 weeks ago so I had to send it off to be repaired as it was still under warranty being under 1 year old) I will be taking photo's of them to post on here.
Anyway, the expo was amazing, I saw so many things that I had never seen before and got to taste a huge variety of different foods and drinks, I picked up enough pamphlets and flyers to be able to start up my own shop if I wanted to. I also saw the oven of my dreams - once where you press buttons to pick the style of cooking that you want (pan fry, roast, bake etc) and it had 15+ tray/racks in it. Only problem is that it costs over $20,000 to buy one.
Janelle went home around 5pm, and we stayed in the Formule1 motel for the night, wasn't too bad and only cost $99 for all 3 of us. The next day we went to the Queen Victoria Markets and bought $200 worth of fish and meat to stock up our freezer, so now we have enough meat to last us at least a month, and we bought some fruit and snow peas, and a thank you gift for Janelle - a little glass mouse figurine. We plan to go back up again in 2.5 weeks to do another big shop, this time it will only be a day trip to make things easier with the kids.
Emily had only just had her 2 month immunisations on tuesday so she slept most of wednesday and thursday which has affected my milk supply a little bit, but we are starting to get back on track.
I'm currently waitiong for Janelle to finish her work experience next week (she's training to be a childcare worker) so that she can come around and go through the box of Jewellery that I've made and pick out what she wants to give to family and friends for Christmas. What is left over will be divided up into bulk lots and sold on eBay to fund my MCN (modern cloth nappy) and bead addictions.
Anyway, that is all for now.
Until next time.
Jen - xoxo
As the post title says today was a better day. I don't know if I have a mild case of post natal depression or if it's just an extended period of the baby blues - my GP seems to think it's just the baby blues but I'm at the point where I'm considering changing GPs and getting another referral - but I'm feeling a lot like I did when I was pregnant with Elise; generally out of control, down, isolated and alone, angry and upset.
I'm having trouble dealing with Jaycen who has developed quite an attitude (rather like myself when I was his age come to think of it, and if he's keeps on following in my footsteps Matt and I will be in for one heck of a ride trying to cope with him). Elise has turned into a sook, she is teething and has just had 2 teeth cut through (numbers 9 and 10) and has another one moving through the gum, so she isn't a very happy girl and wakes up several times a night because she loses her dummy that she likes to suck on for comfort. Add to this that all of us are sick with a nasty cold, Jaycen and Elise are more sick than the rest of us with a nasty cough and Jaycen's asthma (that only comes up when he is sick) has flared up again, we've had to give him his puffer 4 times in the past week.
Before I made my first post the other day we had been up in Melbourne for 2 days, on the wednesday we attended the Fine Food Australia Expo for people in the hospitality, food manufacter and food retail industries. Matt is a chef so he got us tickets, and I have my RSA (Responsible Service of Alcohol Certificate) so I was able to attend as well even though I don't work as I am a stay at home mum.
My best friend Janelle came up with us to watch Jaycen and Elise as we weren't able to take them with us into the expo, we were only allowed to take Emily with us in the sling that I bought just under 2 months ago, so Janelle took Jaycen and Elise to the Melbourne Aquarium for the day, they loved it.
She got some photo postcards made up with them and a little booklet with a photo in it for us, so once I get my phone back next week (the charger adaptor in it broke 3 weeks ago so I had to send it off to be repaired as it was still under warranty being under 1 year old) I will be taking photo's of them to post on here.
Anyway, the expo was amazing, I saw so many things that I had never seen before and got to taste a huge variety of different foods and drinks, I picked up enough pamphlets and flyers to be able to start up my own shop if I wanted to. I also saw the oven of my dreams - once where you press buttons to pick the style of cooking that you want (pan fry, roast, bake etc) and it had 15+ tray/racks in it. Only problem is that it costs over $20,000 to buy one.
Janelle went home around 5pm, and we stayed in the Formule1 motel for the night, wasn't too bad and only cost $99 for all 3 of us. The next day we went to the Queen Victoria Markets and bought $200 worth of fish and meat to stock up our freezer, so now we have enough meat to last us at least a month, and we bought some fruit and snow peas, and a thank you gift for Janelle - a little glass mouse figurine. We plan to go back up again in 2.5 weeks to do another big shop, this time it will only be a day trip to make things easier with the kids.
Emily had only just had her 2 month immunisations on tuesday so she slept most of wednesday and thursday which has affected my milk supply a little bit, but we are starting to get back on track.
I'm currently waitiong for Janelle to finish her work experience next week (she's training to be a childcare worker) so that she can come around and go through the box of Jewellery that I've made and pick out what she wants to give to family and friends for Christmas. What is left over will be divided up into bulk lots and sold on eBay to fund my MCN (modern cloth nappy) and bead addictions.
Anyway, that is all for now.
Until next time.
Jen - xoxo
Thursday 13 September 2012
New Blog, about me... My Stories
So here goes, I am going to attempt to write my own blog.
For those who don't know me my name is Jenna, I'm 25 years old, married to the love of my life, and have 3 living children (Jaycen is 3.5yrs old and was born in December 2008, Elise is 17.5 months old and was born in March 2011 and Emily AKA Bubble was born in July 2012, and 7 angels waiting for me beyond the rainbow.
I am not religious but will pray for others (not to any god/goddess in particular though, just a general prayer for help/aid) just in case it does help.
My hobbies include knitting, drawing, painting, playing computer games, making girls hair accessories, reading, craft-making with my children and making Jewellery.
Making Jewellery is my favourite past-time though, I love to create and try new things, I am VERY addicted to buying beads and findings - especially sterling silver, swarovski crystals and gemstones. I sell Jewellery on eBay and also on Facebook via my small business pages KahlahJewellery and Footprints and Rainbows: Gems, Jewellery and Accessories.
I am currently studying to become a Birth Doula, and hope to complete my course by the end of 2013, which means that early next year I will be looking to attend 2-3 births on a pro-bono basis as part of my training to gain experience in assisting a woman through her labour.
I was drawn to become a Doula while pregnant with my youngest child, as I firmly believe that having the right support during labour is very important in ensuring a positive outcome and a happy mother and baby.
My own birth experiences have been varied, not only have I suffered 7 losses (1 termination at the age of 17 and 6 early miscarriages at 8wks and earlier) but I have also experienced an induction via Gels and Pitocin drip that resulted in a c-section, an AROM (artificial rupture of membranes) induction that resulted in a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) and a spontaneous labour that resulted in a successful VBAC. I have also been through the heartache of not being able to breastfeed, breastfeeding for only a few times in a short period of time and successfully breastfeeding.
My first labour I was a young uninformed first time mother who at 21 years old and 41+3wks was impatient to meet my baby boy, I had begged for an induction from 37wks due to constant pain in my hip and upper leg and severe pain when walking that meant I couldn't walk 10 meters without having to stop. My body wasn't ready to have a baby yet, and my obstetrician was amazing, and held off the induction until I was over 41wks pregnant as she wanted to try and let me go into labour on my own. Even on the day I was induced my body still wasn't ready, I wasn't dilated and my cervix wasn't favourable. Even so the induction went ahead, but it was another 41.5 hours before I would meet my son via emergency c-section after he became stuck while I was pushing and his heart rate started to drop really low between contractions. He was born healthy, weighing 8pd 3 (3.774kg) at 41+5wks gestation, measuring 51cm long with a 34cm head circumference. I was given the diagnosis of having Cephalo-Pelvic Disproportion where all of or part of the pelvis is too small for the baby to fit through, but I have since proved that diagnosis wrong, it turns out that it was only the position that my son was in that was preventing him from being born vaginally. I was unable to breastfeed him so expressed and formula fed for 6wks, but a bout of mastitis at 3wks took my supply and by 6wks it was gone and he went only only formula feeds.
The next year we started trying for our second child, but it took a long 11 months and 2 early miscarriages in January and March 2010 before I finally became pregnant in July 2010 - I had my positive pregnancy test on July 19th, the day after my 23rd birthday.
I had a lot of bleeding during the first 13wks of the pregnancy, and was always scared that I would lose her too like I had lost the others, I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes at 32wks gestation and was induced via AROM at 40+2wks. She was born 4hrs and 42 minutes after my waters were broken in a very successful VBAC delivery. I am forever thankful to my husband and the student midwife who was attending me that day as without them I would have likely given in to having an epidural and the repeat c-section that I was continuously threatened with. She was born weighing 8pd exactly (3.65kg) measuring 52cm long with a 34cm head circumference. The only drugs that I used were Gas and pethidine. She had trouble latching on so I combo breastfed and expressed exclusively for 2wks until my supply stopped meeting her demands (she was also only putting on approx 20-40g a week at that point too) and then added formula supplements until I had to stop expressing and breastfeeding at 8wks due to medication that I started taking that wasn't good for her to be getting in her system.
My third birth occured only 9wks and 3 days ago, I became pregnant accidentally when my husband and I went on our long overdue honeymoon and we weren't as careful as we normally were regarding birth control (we also thought that we would be safe, but obviously we were wrong and the proof is currently asleep in her bassinet after a big feed, sadly there won't be any more surprises now as my husband had a vasectomy when I was 20wks pregnant, the same day that I had a small amniotic fluid leak and that I had my 20wk morphology scan which he missed out on attending because of the vasectomy). I went into labour spontaneously for the first time in the early evening of my EDD (estimated due date) of July 7th 2012, managed through the contractions quite well for the next 24 hours until I came down with Gastro (not something that I would wish on anyone while in the middle of early labour). Hubby had his work farewell in the evening of July 8th so after being sent home from the hospital to let things progress I went along with hubby while still contracting (they were slowly getting stronger but still very irregular which seems to be the norm for me in early labour from past experience). The gastro kicked in worse while there and I developed a low fever so we left early and went home for a bit, but while in the shower the contractions started to come one after the other on top of each other so we rushed back to the hospital. We arrived around 10pm and I was put on the monitor right away, which showed strong irregular contractions, I was also dehydrated so they hooked me up to a drip to rehydrate me. Around 4am the next day the on-call obstetrician came around (my OB was away on holidays but had told me to get the hospital to call him as soon as I went into labour but they only did that after we had been demanding that they call him for 3 hours straight, and the on-call OB wasn't comfortable with attending a VBAC delivery and suggested a c-section right away so we weren't happy with him at all) he checked me and said I was 3cm dilated. The midwife asked me if I wanted something to help me relax and came back with a drug that I thought was pethidine and I managed to get a bit of sleep that night as the contractions slowed down and spaced out a lot, coming roughly every 30-45 minutes.
Later that night on July 9th the contractions started to ramp up again, by this time I had just been given my 4th bag of fluids and had a high fever, the new midwife who was attending me mentioned that the drug I was given earlier that morning was actually a drug that they use to stop contractions in premature labour (hubby and I were very angry about this after the birth as it could have potentially been dangerous to our youngest child who had passed meconium in utero and she could have inhaled it at any time which then could have been fatal), around 11:30pm my contractions regulated and started coming closer together and I was 4cm dilated, at 1:47am the midwife checked me and said I was 8cm dilated with a high rear-facing cervix so she attempted to pull it down and forward, instead at 1:50am my waters broke all over her, the bed and the floor and had meconium in them. the next 12 minutes are a blur, I had a break from contractions for 5 minutes and then all of a sudden had to push, so I did. My youngest child and 2nd daughter was born after only 7 minutes of pushing. She was floppy and not breathing for 5 minutes and they were about to take her to the nursery when she finally started to respond. Approx 58-odd hours of labour.
She weighed in at roughly 8pd 11 (3.95kg), measuring 49cm long with a 34.5cm head circumference in another successful VBAC. I suffered 2nd degree tearing but that was ok, it had fully healed within 2wks of her birth. I wasn't very happy with how I was treated during this labour, I was treated as though I was an uninformed first time mother, and I think that if I had been the uninformed first time mother I would have just accepted it as a good birth. Unfortunately it has made me even more reluctant to trust the medical and hospital system, my birth plan was never followed (apparently you have to have your OB and any midwives you see sign it if you do shared care like I did, which is wrong as it isn't their body or labour/birth, it is the mothers body and labour/birth and we are the ones who make the decisions), even after many demands to have at least some of the things I wanted I was repeatedly denied by a scared OB who didn't care if I was 3.5yrs post c-section with a successful VBAC already under my belt.
Things need to change in our medical system, we cannot just accept that women will be walked all over during their labours to the point where the only way to truly get what you want is to homebirth (I swear if I could have another child I would homebirth with a fully trained and experienced midwife and a Birth Doula in attendance to support me and help me through the hard parts). Just the fact that I was refused time and time again even after insisting that I was sign any forms they had to take the blame away from the OB and midwives if on the rare (0.5% chance of rupturing along my c-section scar, compared to the approximately 0.2% chance of rupturing elsewhere regardless of if you have had a c-section before, you have a higher risk of hemorrhaging in any birth than you do of having your uterus rupture) something did go wrong.
So in other words now that I will no longer be having any more children I am even more determined to help other women achieve the birthing experience that THEY want, or if things don't go to plan to help them to find the good in their birthing experience and help them to come to terms with the bad parts of their birthing experience.
I did not mean to write a novel here, but it seems that once I start typing I can't stop until what I want to say is out.
Another thing about me to get rid of the down tone of this blog post - I finally got my learners licence 1.5wks ago. I have had 1 lesson so far, and to be honest it scares the crap out of me. Ever since I was involved in a car accident as a passenger that resulted in my first miscarriage I have been terrified of getting behind the wheel of a car to the point that I hyperventilate and have a panic attack.
My first lesson did end in a panic attack though - after 35 minutes of driving - when hubby got me to drive on the road itself instead of around the outside of the football oval like I had been, he asked me to drive the car around a roundabout but I panicked and couldn't do it, my heart was racing so fast I thought it would burst, and so I had to pull over and let hubby get behind the wheel instead. I finished off the lesson by practising parking and reversing.
And one last thing, I became an aunt yesterday, my younger stepsister gave birth to her first child, a little girl called Myla-Jade, weighing 7pd 14, sometime around 3:30pm.
I am happy for her but also a little bit sad (and slightly jealous) because I will never again be able to experience that joy of holding your newborn baby in your arms (I am having a hard time coming to terms with not having any more babies, even with how hard my pregnancies and labours have been, I am a little bit jealous of every woman who is pregnant or who has just had a newborn baby, even though my youngest is only 2 months old I still want another baby one day and it won't happen).
So now you know about me, and about my secret jealousy and that my hubby and I can't have any more babies together. You know what I want to do with my life, my hobbies, my children.
So I will finish this post off here.
Until next time,
Jen xoxo
For those who don't know me my name is Jenna, I'm 25 years old, married to the love of my life, and have 3 living children (Jaycen is 3.5yrs old and was born in December 2008, Elise is 17.5 months old and was born in March 2011 and Emily AKA Bubble was born in July 2012, and 7 angels waiting for me beyond the rainbow.
I am not religious but will pray for others (not to any god/goddess in particular though, just a general prayer for help/aid) just in case it does help.
My hobbies include knitting, drawing, painting, playing computer games, making girls hair accessories, reading, craft-making with my children and making Jewellery.
Making Jewellery is my favourite past-time though, I love to create and try new things, I am VERY addicted to buying beads and findings - especially sterling silver, swarovski crystals and gemstones. I sell Jewellery on eBay and also on Facebook via my small business pages KahlahJewellery and Footprints and Rainbows: Gems, Jewellery and Accessories.
I am currently studying to become a Birth Doula, and hope to complete my course by the end of 2013, which means that early next year I will be looking to attend 2-3 births on a pro-bono basis as part of my training to gain experience in assisting a woman through her labour.
I was drawn to become a Doula while pregnant with my youngest child, as I firmly believe that having the right support during labour is very important in ensuring a positive outcome and a happy mother and baby.
My own birth experiences have been varied, not only have I suffered 7 losses (1 termination at the age of 17 and 6 early miscarriages at 8wks and earlier) but I have also experienced an induction via Gels and Pitocin drip that resulted in a c-section, an AROM (artificial rupture of membranes) induction that resulted in a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section) and a spontaneous labour that resulted in a successful VBAC. I have also been through the heartache of not being able to breastfeed, breastfeeding for only a few times in a short period of time and successfully breastfeeding.
My first labour I was a young uninformed first time mother who at 21 years old and 41+3wks was impatient to meet my baby boy, I had begged for an induction from 37wks due to constant pain in my hip and upper leg and severe pain when walking that meant I couldn't walk 10 meters without having to stop. My body wasn't ready to have a baby yet, and my obstetrician was amazing, and held off the induction until I was over 41wks pregnant as she wanted to try and let me go into labour on my own. Even on the day I was induced my body still wasn't ready, I wasn't dilated and my cervix wasn't favourable. Even so the induction went ahead, but it was another 41.5 hours before I would meet my son via emergency c-section after he became stuck while I was pushing and his heart rate started to drop really low between contractions. He was born healthy, weighing 8pd 3 (3.774kg) at 41+5wks gestation, measuring 51cm long with a 34cm head circumference. I was given the diagnosis of having Cephalo-Pelvic Disproportion where all of or part of the pelvis is too small for the baby to fit through, but I have since proved that diagnosis wrong, it turns out that it was only the position that my son was in that was preventing him from being born vaginally. I was unable to breastfeed him so expressed and formula fed for 6wks, but a bout of mastitis at 3wks took my supply and by 6wks it was gone and he went only only formula feeds.
The next year we started trying for our second child, but it took a long 11 months and 2 early miscarriages in January and March 2010 before I finally became pregnant in July 2010 - I had my positive pregnancy test on July 19th, the day after my 23rd birthday.
I had a lot of bleeding during the first 13wks of the pregnancy, and was always scared that I would lose her too like I had lost the others, I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes at 32wks gestation and was induced via AROM at 40+2wks. She was born 4hrs and 42 minutes after my waters were broken in a very successful VBAC delivery. I am forever thankful to my husband and the student midwife who was attending me that day as without them I would have likely given in to having an epidural and the repeat c-section that I was continuously threatened with. She was born weighing 8pd exactly (3.65kg) measuring 52cm long with a 34cm head circumference. The only drugs that I used were Gas and pethidine. She had trouble latching on so I combo breastfed and expressed exclusively for 2wks until my supply stopped meeting her demands (she was also only putting on approx 20-40g a week at that point too) and then added formula supplements until I had to stop expressing and breastfeeding at 8wks due to medication that I started taking that wasn't good for her to be getting in her system.
My third birth occured only 9wks and 3 days ago, I became pregnant accidentally when my husband and I went on our long overdue honeymoon and we weren't as careful as we normally were regarding birth control (we also thought that we would be safe, but obviously we were wrong and the proof is currently asleep in her bassinet after a big feed, sadly there won't be any more surprises now as my husband had a vasectomy when I was 20wks pregnant, the same day that I had a small amniotic fluid leak and that I had my 20wk morphology scan which he missed out on attending because of the vasectomy). I went into labour spontaneously for the first time in the early evening of my EDD (estimated due date) of July 7th 2012, managed through the contractions quite well for the next 24 hours until I came down with Gastro (not something that I would wish on anyone while in the middle of early labour). Hubby had his work farewell in the evening of July 8th so after being sent home from the hospital to let things progress I went along with hubby while still contracting (they were slowly getting stronger but still very irregular which seems to be the norm for me in early labour from past experience). The gastro kicked in worse while there and I developed a low fever so we left early and went home for a bit, but while in the shower the contractions started to come one after the other on top of each other so we rushed back to the hospital. We arrived around 10pm and I was put on the monitor right away, which showed strong irregular contractions, I was also dehydrated so they hooked me up to a drip to rehydrate me. Around 4am the next day the on-call obstetrician came around (my OB was away on holidays but had told me to get the hospital to call him as soon as I went into labour but they only did that after we had been demanding that they call him for 3 hours straight, and the on-call OB wasn't comfortable with attending a VBAC delivery and suggested a c-section right away so we weren't happy with him at all) he checked me and said I was 3cm dilated. The midwife asked me if I wanted something to help me relax and came back with a drug that I thought was pethidine and I managed to get a bit of sleep that night as the contractions slowed down and spaced out a lot, coming roughly every 30-45 minutes.
Later that night on July 9th the contractions started to ramp up again, by this time I had just been given my 4th bag of fluids and had a high fever, the new midwife who was attending me mentioned that the drug I was given earlier that morning was actually a drug that they use to stop contractions in premature labour (hubby and I were very angry about this after the birth as it could have potentially been dangerous to our youngest child who had passed meconium in utero and she could have inhaled it at any time which then could have been fatal), around 11:30pm my contractions regulated and started coming closer together and I was 4cm dilated, at 1:47am the midwife checked me and said I was 8cm dilated with a high rear-facing cervix so she attempted to pull it down and forward, instead at 1:50am my waters broke all over her, the bed and the floor and had meconium in them. the next 12 minutes are a blur, I had a break from contractions for 5 minutes and then all of a sudden had to push, so I did. My youngest child and 2nd daughter was born after only 7 minutes of pushing. She was floppy and not breathing for 5 minutes and they were about to take her to the nursery when she finally started to respond. Approx 58-odd hours of labour.
She weighed in at roughly 8pd 11 (3.95kg), measuring 49cm long with a 34.5cm head circumference in another successful VBAC. I suffered 2nd degree tearing but that was ok, it had fully healed within 2wks of her birth. I wasn't very happy with how I was treated during this labour, I was treated as though I was an uninformed first time mother, and I think that if I had been the uninformed first time mother I would have just accepted it as a good birth. Unfortunately it has made me even more reluctant to trust the medical and hospital system, my birth plan was never followed (apparently you have to have your OB and any midwives you see sign it if you do shared care like I did, which is wrong as it isn't their body or labour/birth, it is the mothers body and labour/birth and we are the ones who make the decisions), even after many demands to have at least some of the things I wanted I was repeatedly denied by a scared OB who didn't care if I was 3.5yrs post c-section with a successful VBAC already under my belt.
Things need to change in our medical system, we cannot just accept that women will be walked all over during their labours to the point where the only way to truly get what you want is to homebirth (I swear if I could have another child I would homebirth with a fully trained and experienced midwife and a Birth Doula in attendance to support me and help me through the hard parts). Just the fact that I was refused time and time again even after insisting that I was sign any forms they had to take the blame away from the OB and midwives if on the rare (0.5% chance of rupturing along my c-section scar, compared to the approximately 0.2% chance of rupturing elsewhere regardless of if you have had a c-section before, you have a higher risk of hemorrhaging in any birth than you do of having your uterus rupture) something did go wrong.
So in other words now that I will no longer be having any more children I am even more determined to help other women achieve the birthing experience that THEY want, or if things don't go to plan to help them to find the good in their birthing experience and help them to come to terms with the bad parts of their birthing experience.
I did not mean to write a novel here, but it seems that once I start typing I can't stop until what I want to say is out.
Another thing about me to get rid of the down tone of this blog post - I finally got my learners licence 1.5wks ago. I have had 1 lesson so far, and to be honest it scares the crap out of me. Ever since I was involved in a car accident as a passenger that resulted in my first miscarriage I have been terrified of getting behind the wheel of a car to the point that I hyperventilate and have a panic attack.
My first lesson did end in a panic attack though - after 35 minutes of driving - when hubby got me to drive on the road itself instead of around the outside of the football oval like I had been, he asked me to drive the car around a roundabout but I panicked and couldn't do it, my heart was racing so fast I thought it would burst, and so I had to pull over and let hubby get behind the wheel instead. I finished off the lesson by practising parking and reversing.
And one last thing, I became an aunt yesterday, my younger stepsister gave birth to her first child, a little girl called Myla-Jade, weighing 7pd 14, sometime around 3:30pm.
I am happy for her but also a little bit sad (and slightly jealous) because I will never again be able to experience that joy of holding your newborn baby in your arms (I am having a hard time coming to terms with not having any more babies, even with how hard my pregnancies and labours have been, I am a little bit jealous of every woman who is pregnant or who has just had a newborn baby, even though my youngest is only 2 months old I still want another baby one day and it won't happen).
So now you know about me, and about my secret jealousy and that my hubby and I can't have any more babies together. You know what I want to do with my life, my hobbies, my children.
So I will finish this post off here.
Until next time,
Jen xoxo
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