I've been ruminating... thinking... trying to get my head around things. Trying to figure out what went wrong and when it all went wrong, what I did wrong. What could I have done differently...
I know that I can't change things, but I can't stop thinking. Since January 21st, the 8th anniversary of when I lost Tomas, it's like I have been grieving his loss - and the losses of my other 6 angels - all over again
I've been dreaming of Tomas, of what could have been, of him as a newborn baby and holding him in my arms but I can never see or picture his face no matter how hard I focus or try. It's like he never was real, only a dream but I know he wasn't a dream, he was real, I saw him on that scan, I saw his little nose bud, the growing arms and legs with finger and toe buds. HE WAS REAL.
So many people told me to just get over it back then, to move on and forget, that I was only 17, still young and could have many other children. How do you just "get over it", the loss of a child no matter how small they were or how long they were with you? It still hurts, even now over 8 years on.
This time 8 years ago I should have been getting things ready, all excited at welcoming my first little boy into the world, I should have been excited about my upcoming 20 week scan to find out that he was to be a little boy and I would have then gone out to buy boy themed clothes for his coming home outfit, his bassinet and a pram, a carseat, I would have been getting my learners licence so that after I turned 18 I could get my probationary license and start saving for a car of my own. I wpuld have been busy helping my stepmum plan our joint baby shower as she was due with my little sister almost exactly 2 months after me.
Every night when I go outside to have a cigarette I look up at the stars and tell Tomas how much I love him and miss him, how much I wish he was here to play with his little brother and sisters, he would have loved them so much and been such a great big brother.
It's human nature to want what we cant have, and I am no exception. I just want my babies back.
