My client due early next month has decided not to have me as her doula. I am disappointed, this would have been my first certifying birth, my plane tickets for me and the kids have already been paid for and cannot be refunded due to the airlines no refund policy (that's $550 we've wasted for something that will never happen now).
I'm a bit angry, not at my now former client, but at myself for getting so excited over being given the gift of the opportunity to attend her impending birth. I should have stayed neutral, calm, not looked forward to it so much. I shouldn't have cared as much in the lead up, or planned anything until right at the end.
A small part of me is saying that I shouldn't have even offered to be her doula in the first place, that I was only asking for trouble as I live so far away from her, 1000's of kilometers away from her in a different state entirely.
It hurts, and her announcement came at the wrong time, literally just days after I had had an emotional breakdown from the PND where I wanted to end my life. I feel like things are fucked up all the time, I've even given in, sucked up my pride, and gone down the path of getting antidepressants (Efexor-XR 75mg) from a GP at my local doctors clinic. I haven't started them yet, but I am planning to start them in 2 days time. I hope they work, because I don't want to go through another emotional breakdown again like I did last week, it was scary.
The week before last I also failed my driving test, it gutted me as well, and may have contributed to the breakdown.
Tomorrow I am taking the driving test again, so I am hoping that this time I will pass it.
That's all for now.
Until next time,
Jenna
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
Monday, 8 April 2013
Thoughts and Ruminations...
I've been ruminating... thinking... trying to get my head around things. Trying to figure out what went wrong and when it all went wrong, what I did wrong. What could I have done differently...
I know that I can't change things, but I can't stop thinking. Since January 21st, the 8th anniversary of when I lost Tomas, it's like I have been grieving his loss - and the losses of my other 6 angels - all over again
I've been dreaming of Tomas, of what could have been, of him as a newborn baby and holding him in my arms but I can never see or picture his face no matter how hard I focus or try. It's like he never was real, only a dream but I know he wasn't a dream, he was real, I saw him on that scan, I saw his little nose bud, the growing arms and legs with finger and toe buds. HE WAS REAL.
So many people told me to just get over it back then, to move on and forget, that I was only 17, still young and could have many other children. How do you just "get over it", the loss of a child no matter how small they were or how long they were with you? It still hurts, even now over 8 years on.
This time 8 years ago I should have been getting things ready, all excited at welcoming my first little boy into the world, I should have been excited about my upcoming 20 week scan to find out that he was to be a little boy and I would have then gone out to buy boy themed clothes for his coming home outfit, his bassinet and a pram, a carseat, I would have been getting my learners licence so that after I turned 18 I could get my probationary license and start saving for a car of my own. I wpuld have been busy helping my stepmum plan our joint baby shower as she was due with my little sister almost exactly 2 months after me.
Every night when I go outside to have a cigarette I look up at the stars and tell Tomas how much I love him and miss him, how much I wish he was here to play with his little brother and sisters, he would have loved them so much and been such a great big brother.
It's human nature to want what we cant have, and I am no exception. I just want my babies back.
I know that I can't change things, but I can't stop thinking. Since January 21st, the 8th anniversary of when I lost Tomas, it's like I have been grieving his loss - and the losses of my other 6 angels - all over again
I've been dreaming of Tomas, of what could have been, of him as a newborn baby and holding him in my arms but I can never see or picture his face no matter how hard I focus or try. It's like he never was real, only a dream but I know he wasn't a dream, he was real, I saw him on that scan, I saw his little nose bud, the growing arms and legs with finger and toe buds. HE WAS REAL.
So many people told me to just get over it back then, to move on and forget, that I was only 17, still young and could have many other children. How do you just "get over it", the loss of a child no matter how small they were or how long they were with you? It still hurts, even now over 8 years on.
This time 8 years ago I should have been getting things ready, all excited at welcoming my first little boy into the world, I should have been excited about my upcoming 20 week scan to find out that he was to be a little boy and I would have then gone out to buy boy themed clothes for his coming home outfit, his bassinet and a pram, a carseat, I would have been getting my learners licence so that after I turned 18 I could get my probationary license and start saving for a car of my own. I wpuld have been busy helping my stepmum plan our joint baby shower as she was due with my little sister almost exactly 2 months after me.
Every night when I go outside to have a cigarette I look up at the stars and tell Tomas how much I love him and miss him, how much I wish he was here to play with his little brother and sisters, he would have loved them so much and been such a great big brother.
It's human nature to want what we cant have, and I am no exception. I just want my babies back.
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
PND - Post Natal Depression
I have been "diagnosed" with PND. I should be happy to finally have a diagnosis, but instead it makes it worse. I am more angry, more upset and more frustrated than I was before.
I keep thinking "Why wasn't this picked up earlier? How the heck can a doctor say I was borderline for PND in November while the counselor I'm seeing tells me that I have had it since my son was born in December 2008?
How the heck does this happen? I am angry with the doctor, frustrated with my counselor for pushing me to take antidepressants, and upset because now it's official, I have Post Natal Depression.
I'm over it.
I need a break.
A holiday... without kids, without the hubby. Just some time for me and only me, where I can relax and not have to worry about the kids, or listen to them scream, yell, cry, or watch them hit each other - with fists or toys - where I don't have to change and wash nappies all day every day, or give them food/breastfeed constantly. A holiday where I am alone and no one is relying on me.
That would be the ideal, but it won't happen. In just under 2 months I will be flying up to Queensland with all 3 kids and leaving hubby at home for a whole month.
Hubby owes me big time for this!
That is all.
I keep thinking "Why wasn't this picked up earlier? How the heck can a doctor say I was borderline for PND in November while the counselor I'm seeing tells me that I have had it since my son was born in December 2008?
How the heck does this happen? I am angry with the doctor, frustrated with my counselor for pushing me to take antidepressants, and upset because now it's official, I have Post Natal Depression.
I'm over it.
I need a break.
A holiday... without kids, without the hubby. Just some time for me and only me, where I can relax and not have to worry about the kids, or listen to them scream, yell, cry, or watch them hit each other - with fists or toys - where I don't have to change and wash nappies all day every day, or give them food/breastfeed constantly. A holiday where I am alone and no one is relying on me.
That would be the ideal, but it won't happen. In just under 2 months I will be flying up to Queensland with all 3 kids and leaving hubby at home for a whole month.
Hubby owes me big time for this!
That is all.
Friday, 8 March 2013
Bad Luck Is Following Us...
Again I have been slack in my blogging, I just really haven't had the mental energy to do it.
Bad luck has been our companion lately, first Matt got a thigh length blood clot in his leg the day after he had his surgery to have his gallbladder removed and was readmitted to hospital for the rest of that day, then released with home visits from the nurses for treatment with clexane injections.
After 2 weeks the clexane hadn't worked so he was put on warfarin as well.
He has been off work for over a month now, and we are really starting to struggle financially.
It is starting to clear up now but it gave us all a huge scare.
On sunday he starts back at work again which is a huge relief.
During this time I also had the mother of all migraines and had to go to hospital where they suspected that I had meningitis, luckily I didn't, but I did find out that I have had a chronic sinus infection since Christmas Eve 2012 when the migraines started. Since being treated with antibiotics my migraines have gone and I now only have occasional headaches, which is so much better than it was before.
Last week Emily also got sick again with conjunctivitis and the flu and needed antibiotic ointment for the conjunctivitis but she had a reaction to it, it made her eyes all puffy and red, so we had to stop it, and on Tuesday just gone we went to get her immunisations done as she is overdue for them but we couldn't as she had a non asthma wheeze and congestion in her lungs and was put on antibiotics again - this time a different type - my poor baby hasn't have much luck healthwise this year :( The congestion and wheeze in her lungs are now gone and she will be getting her immunisations next Tuesday as long as nothing else comes up between now and then.
And the other day not only did my glasses break, but the front windscreen of my car cracked as well!
So things haven't been very good, hopefully they get better now, it would be nice as I've had to put off my final 2 lessons with the driving instructor, I was hoping to be preparing to get my P plates by the end of next week but now it won't happen until early next month and I have to see a client at the end of April (we met for the first time on February 25th), so I really need to have them by then.
The only really good thing to happen is that I now have my own ABN and can run my hobby and work as a Doula and run both things as real businesses, which is great!
The other thing we have done recently is help out a mate who was homeless and had been living on the streets, sleeping on park benches and concrete footpaths, for almost a month with hardly any food, so we took him in for a couple of days, fed him, gave him some clean clothes and washed his clothes, let him use our shower and then helped him find a place to stay. He was so grateful and it was so nice to see a smile on his face again even though he was crying (tears of joy). He is now living in a caravan park and can see his partner and kids again which is wonderful for them all.
Anyway, that is all for now.
Until next time, Jen.
Bad luck has been our companion lately, first Matt got a thigh length blood clot in his leg the day after he had his surgery to have his gallbladder removed and was readmitted to hospital for the rest of that day, then released with home visits from the nurses for treatment with clexane injections.
After 2 weeks the clexane hadn't worked so he was put on warfarin as well.
He has been off work for over a month now, and we are really starting to struggle financially.
It is starting to clear up now but it gave us all a huge scare.
On sunday he starts back at work again which is a huge relief.
During this time I also had the mother of all migraines and had to go to hospital where they suspected that I had meningitis, luckily I didn't, but I did find out that I have had a chronic sinus infection since Christmas Eve 2012 when the migraines started. Since being treated with antibiotics my migraines have gone and I now only have occasional headaches, which is so much better than it was before.
Last week Emily also got sick again with conjunctivitis and the flu and needed antibiotic ointment for the conjunctivitis but she had a reaction to it, it made her eyes all puffy and red, so we had to stop it, and on Tuesday just gone we went to get her immunisations done as she is overdue for them but we couldn't as she had a non asthma wheeze and congestion in her lungs and was put on antibiotics again - this time a different type - my poor baby hasn't have much luck healthwise this year :( The congestion and wheeze in her lungs are now gone and she will be getting her immunisations next Tuesday as long as nothing else comes up between now and then.
And the other day not only did my glasses break, but the front windscreen of my car cracked as well!
So things haven't been very good, hopefully they get better now, it would be nice as I've had to put off my final 2 lessons with the driving instructor, I was hoping to be preparing to get my P plates by the end of next week but now it won't happen until early next month and I have to see a client at the end of April (we met for the first time on February 25th), so I really need to have them by then.
The only really good thing to happen is that I now have my own ABN and can run my hobby and work as a Doula and run both things as real businesses, which is great!
The other thing we have done recently is help out a mate who was homeless and had been living on the streets, sleeping on park benches and concrete footpaths, for almost a month with hardly any food, so we took him in for a couple of days, fed him, gave him some clean clothes and washed his clothes, let him use our shower and then helped him find a place to stay. He was so grateful and it was so nice to see a smile on his face again even though he was crying (tears of joy). He is now living in a caravan park and can see his partner and kids again which is wonderful for them all.
Anyway, that is all for now.
Until next time, Jen.
Sunday, 27 January 2013
A New Year, A New Me
One of my new years resolutions was to get back into healthy eating and lose weight again.
While I was pregnant with Elise I lost 16kg, I believe it was because of the Gestational Diabete's that I had combined with Hyperremesis Gravidarum (severe all day sickness) and the cravings that I had for veggies, salads, chicken, goat, rabbit and fish. In the 6.5 months post birth, prior to becoming pregnant with Em, I lost another 16kg, and was 10kg off my goal weight 72kg.
Since Em was born however I have put on at least 15kg, and I feel it too. I have gone up a dress size (I was a 14 in tops and 16 in pants prior to becoming pregnant with Em, now I'm an 18 in both!), and I feel yuck, fat and just plain blegh all the time.
Today is day 3 of my healthy eating project, consisting of Porridge with honey and fresh blueberries for breakfast, either a shake or celery with peanut butter for lunch and either a healthy shake or meat and veggies/stirfry etc for dinner (I only have one healthy shake a day), with an apple, a banana, blueberries and a fruit, nut and seed mix as snacks.
So far it's going well, I'm mixing the snacks up each day (thankfully I really like them all anyway) so I don't get bored, portioning what I eat and eating slowly so I fill up quicker and don't overeat.
My goal is to get back down to 80kg, and then my next goal is to get down to my original goal of 72kg. I'm not sure how much I weigh currently but I'm guessing it's around 98-99kg, which is not where I want to be.
Now don't get me wrong, but some of my weight is muscle, and I do pride myself on having strong leg muscles, they are larger than I'd like too, but they aren't toned so that will be another thing to work on once we get the Wii set up again and start using Wii Fit like we used to after Elise was born.
I am going to try and get Matt back into losing weight as well, as he has put back on all the weight he lost before we got married and is now very very overweight. He will be having surgery next week to have his gallbladder removed as well, so once he is recovered he will need to do something about his weight.
I think that is it for now, I will update when I get around to weighing myself (we don't have scales at home, so it will have to be whenever I can get myself into our local Tony Ferguson Weightloss Center, I haven't been there since early December so it will be interesting to see if my healthy eating has helped when I do eventually go back.
Bye for now.
Jen.
While I was pregnant with Elise I lost 16kg, I believe it was because of the Gestational Diabete's that I had combined with Hyperremesis Gravidarum (severe all day sickness) and the cravings that I had for veggies, salads, chicken, goat, rabbit and fish. In the 6.5 months post birth, prior to becoming pregnant with Em, I lost another 16kg, and was 10kg off my goal weight 72kg.
Since Em was born however I have put on at least 15kg, and I feel it too. I have gone up a dress size (I was a 14 in tops and 16 in pants prior to becoming pregnant with Em, now I'm an 18 in both!), and I feel yuck, fat and just plain blegh all the time.
Today is day 3 of my healthy eating project, consisting of Porridge with honey and fresh blueberries for breakfast, either a shake or celery with peanut butter for lunch and either a healthy shake or meat and veggies/stirfry etc for dinner (I only have one healthy shake a day), with an apple, a banana, blueberries and a fruit, nut and seed mix as snacks.
So far it's going well, I'm mixing the snacks up each day (thankfully I really like them all anyway) so I don't get bored, portioning what I eat and eating slowly so I fill up quicker and don't overeat.
My goal is to get back down to 80kg, and then my next goal is to get down to my original goal of 72kg. I'm not sure how much I weigh currently but I'm guessing it's around 98-99kg, which is not where I want to be.
Now don't get me wrong, but some of my weight is muscle, and I do pride myself on having strong leg muscles, they are larger than I'd like too, but they aren't toned so that will be another thing to work on once we get the Wii set up again and start using Wii Fit like we used to after Elise was born.
I am going to try and get Matt back into losing weight as well, as he has put back on all the weight he lost before we got married and is now very very overweight. He will be having surgery next week to have his gallbladder removed as well, so once he is recovered he will need to do something about his weight.
I think that is it for now, I will update when I get around to weighing myself (we don't have scales at home, so it will have to be whenever I can get myself into our local Tony Ferguson Weightloss Center, I haven't been there since early December so it will be interesting to see if my healthy eating has helped when I do eventually go back.
Bye for now.
Jen.
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Em has been in hospital...
I haven't updated for a while, there just hasn't been anything to write about until now.
As the title says Miss Em is in hospital, she was admitted on wednesdat night with suspected gastro, a fever and dehydration with a lot of tummy pain. its friday now and she isn't feeding much either.
Yesterday she lost 50 grams in weight in just under 12 hours, and last night he paediatrician said that if she wasn"t picking uptoday and gaining weight again they would be inserting a nasogastric tube to feed her.
I am also having to express allfeeds for her to have bottles now instead of breastfeeding so that they can see how much she is taking in, and its scaring me because normally in rhe morning she would have at least 300ml (I can express approx 150ml from each breast first thing in the morning) and today all she has had so far is 175ml.
At least the fever has gone down now so that is a good thing, and she hasn't had any diarrhea yet today either.
And now we are going home with instructions to treat her for oral thrush (which came up yesterday morning) and that if she gets worse again or starts to have bad diarrhea again we are to bring her back in.
Well thats it for now, have to get ready to go home.
Jen.
Saturday, 15 December 2012
I've Been Slacking Off With The Blog Again...
A month without blogging! I have been slack :(
I'll recap now, not much has been happening, Miss Em has learned how to roll from back to tummy, but gets stuck on her tummy and can't figure out how to get back over lol
She is also giggling and laughing at random things now, she loves her big brother and sister and laughs at them both on a regular basis.
Matt has discovered that he has bad gallstones as well and will be seeing the surgeon in January in preparation for surgery to have his gallbladder removed.
Master J is his usual hyperactive crazy self, he will be turning 4 in 7 days! I can't believe how quickly the past 4 years have gone by, I miss the little baby he used to be, and now he's growing up so fast and turning into a real little man :'( makes me want to cry that my baby boy is growing up so quickly.
Princess E is turning into a Prissy Girl, she doesn't like being told "No" or being told off and if it happens her bottom lip goes out, starts wobbling and she bursts into tears. She loves her Pink Butterfly Sequin sandles, and her pretty dresses, though she still likes to play with Master J's Chuggington trains and Hot Wheels cars lol
As for me, I ended up getting an infection behind my belly button incision almost 2 weeks ago and was on antibiotics (It was sooo painful! And red and hot to touch, I felt so horrid and sick), and now I have Pharyngitis (a throat infection) with a nasty cough after having this cold (yes a cold in SUMMER of all seasons) for the past 5 weeks.
Not much else has been happening, we are managing to stay comfortable financially this year, the first time in quite a while that we haven't had to worry about our finances around Christmas (the last few years we have had to ask for help the the St Vincent De Paul Society in the form of food vouchers just to get us over the Christmas/New Year period while hubby wasn't working.
I can't thank the St Vinnies Charity and it's volunteers enough for the help they have given us over the past few years, they are amazing and do so much for people who really need the help. I regularly shop at our local St Vinnies Op Shop and donate many of our old clothes and household items that while still in good condition we just don't need anymore (all my size 20 clothes for example were recently sent to St Vinnies as I am currently a size 16-18 - I am hoping to get down to a size 14 soonish though lol).
In regards to my weightloss journey, the first 2 weeks after my gallbladder was removed I only put on the 100g (I know I've put this in a previous blog entry but here it is again - prior to surgery I was putting on 1.5kg a fortnight on average), and since then I haven't gained any weight at all (and that is with eating some bad things every couple of days lol including a whole pack of caramel TimTams and half a pack of Lamingtons!) and have even lost 1cm off my waist! I get weighed again on monday, so hopefully I will have lost a bit of weight this fortnight (and another 1cm off my waist, it's certainly looking a bit smaller, I can't see it past my boobs unless I lean forwards slightly now! lol).
Anyway, it is currently 12:35am and I need to get some sleep as I was up until 5am yesterday morning with insomnia and only got 3.5 hours sleep.
Night all!
Jen - xoxo
I'll recap now, not much has been happening, Miss Em has learned how to roll from back to tummy, but gets stuck on her tummy and can't figure out how to get back over lol
She is also giggling and laughing at random things now, she loves her big brother and sister and laughs at them both on a regular basis.
Matt has discovered that he has bad gallstones as well and will be seeing the surgeon in January in preparation for surgery to have his gallbladder removed.
Master J is his usual hyperactive crazy self, he will be turning 4 in 7 days! I can't believe how quickly the past 4 years have gone by, I miss the little baby he used to be, and now he's growing up so fast and turning into a real little man :'( makes me want to cry that my baby boy is growing up so quickly.
Princess E is turning into a Prissy Girl, she doesn't like being told "No" or being told off and if it happens her bottom lip goes out, starts wobbling and she bursts into tears. She loves her Pink Butterfly Sequin sandles, and her pretty dresses, though she still likes to play with Master J's Chuggington trains and Hot Wheels cars lol
As for me, I ended up getting an infection behind my belly button incision almost 2 weeks ago and was on antibiotics (It was sooo painful! And red and hot to touch, I felt so horrid and sick), and now I have Pharyngitis (a throat infection) with a nasty cough after having this cold (yes a cold in SUMMER of all seasons) for the past 5 weeks.
Not much else has been happening, we are managing to stay comfortable financially this year, the first time in quite a while that we haven't had to worry about our finances around Christmas (the last few years we have had to ask for help the the St Vincent De Paul Society in the form of food vouchers just to get us over the Christmas/New Year period while hubby wasn't working.
I can't thank the St Vinnies Charity and it's volunteers enough for the help they have given us over the past few years, they are amazing and do so much for people who really need the help. I regularly shop at our local St Vinnies Op Shop and donate many of our old clothes and household items that while still in good condition we just don't need anymore (all my size 20 clothes for example were recently sent to St Vinnies as I am currently a size 16-18 - I am hoping to get down to a size 14 soonish though lol).
In regards to my weightloss journey, the first 2 weeks after my gallbladder was removed I only put on the 100g (I know I've put this in a previous blog entry but here it is again - prior to surgery I was putting on 1.5kg a fortnight on average), and since then I haven't gained any weight at all (and that is with eating some bad things every couple of days lol including a whole pack of caramel TimTams and half a pack of Lamingtons!) and have even lost 1cm off my waist! I get weighed again on monday, so hopefully I will have lost a bit of weight this fortnight (and another 1cm off my waist, it's certainly looking a bit smaller, I can't see it past my boobs unless I lean forwards slightly now! lol).
Anyway, it is currently 12:35am and I need to get some sleep as I was up until 5am yesterday morning with insomnia and only got 3.5 hours sleep.
Night all!
Jen - xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)