It's that time of year again, the birthday's are stacking up for the March 2011 BB babies...
Happy Belated Birthday's to those who've had their birthday already, I keep missing them, and advanced happy birthdays for those who are still waiting in case I miss them too.
Today is the 3rd heavenly birthday of the most precious and beautiful little girl, Miss Hayley May, with her full head of long thick black hair, who was taken from her mummy and daddy far too soon.
For 9 months we shared the pregnancy journey with all of it's highs and lows, for 9 months our babies brought us all together into one supportive group.
We lost some early on along the way and we grieved with their mummy's, but we kept going.
During this week 3 years ago we found out one of our own was gone, a beautiful little girl had been called to heaven and left her mummy and daddy without their perfect princess and empty arms.
I remember that day like it was yesterday, I cried, wailed and even screamed, it wasn't fair, life wasn't fair. I wished it had been me instead, no one should ever have to go through that pain, and I wanted to take that pain away from the wonderful person who I considered to be my friend.
Hayley May passed away on March 21st, 2011. Her mummy was left reeling, her daddy had lost his princess. And the world had lost a beautiful little girl who even in death made everyone who saw her fall in love with her perfection and see the world in a new light.
To this day we still remember the perfect princess that is Hayley May. Her amazing hair and rosebud lips are etched into my memory and I will never forget.
At the time I was still 9 days away from delivering our Princess Elise, effectively 9 months pregnant and grieving for my friend when I should have been celebrating with her on the birth of her beautiful daughter and looking forward to my own birth.
It has been 3 years, and as our Princess Elise's 3rd Birthday approaches I am reminded of those dark days, and they were very dark, while I grieved for my friends child as though she were my own and tried not to drown in the pain.
So before I drown my laptop in tears - HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAYLEY! Watch over your mummy, daddy, little brother and little sister from heaven, and I hope you have a wonderful day with all the other angels (Jack, Tomas, Alicia, Amelia, Nicolas, Sophie, Obi and all the others!).
Thursday 20 March 2014
Friday 28 February 2014
Sadness and Anger and Acceptance about My Traumatic Birth Experiences
Hello to those who may be reading my blog, thanks for stopping by.
Today's long awaited post is going to be about my 2 traumatic birth experiences and where I am at in my healing from them. I have had a lot of time to think about these experiences over the past few weeks or so since Jaycen started school (he's doing extremely well at school too by the way and loves it), even with the girls here the house has been quieter and I've found myself wandering around aimlessly and thinking about the past and beginning to work through my feelings about my birth experiences.
I know it will still be a long time before I can truly accept them, but I am starting to move forward and that is the most important thing.
To begin with I have finally reached the stage where all I feel about my cesarean delivery is sadness. As recently as January 2013 I still felt angry about it, angry at myself for not knowing enough, not listening to my gut instincts, and not doing more to avoid the cesarean, and most importantly not saying no when the cesarean was first mentioned as my son was still happy and the decels during contractions were still within normal limits according to the research I have done since he was born just over 5 years ago.
So now I am sad, sad that it happened at all, sad for myself that I had to experience that kind of introduction to motherhood, sad for my son who has to live with how he was born and it's possible effects on his body and mind for the rest of his life, sad that he has had to live with a mother (myself) who was not entirely there (suffering from un-diagnosed post natal depression) during the first 4 years of his life, sad that we didn't have the inst-ant bond that the girls and I had, sad that he never got to breastfeed, sad that he spent the first 4.5 hours of his life away from me in a crib in the nursery on his own only being picked up by nurses for a feed, sad that his first feed was given to him without mine or his fathers permission and that it was formula that he was given, sad that none of the midwives even bothered to ask me if I wanted to breastfeed until he was already 3.5 days old (it's no wonder my milk took over 7 days to come in and that my supply was always lacking after he was born and disappeared so quickly when I got mastitis 3.5 weeks post partum).
I am sad that my whole introduction to motherhood was coloured by the traumatic experience that was Jaycen's birth. No mother should have to go through that kind of trauma. To look at your newborn baby and think that he isn't yours, to think that they have given you someone else's child by mistake, to not feel anything at all when you look at your newborn child, that is the most horrible feeling ever. And you feel guilty because you don't have those loving feelings that everyone tells you about, you feel disgusted in yourself, you feel like a horrible mother because you don't love your baby properly, and you feel like a failure because you couldn't do what nature made you to do - you couldn't deliver your baby vaginally and you couldn't breastfeed. That is how I felt back then, and to some degree those feelings are still inside me. Jaycen and I don't have a very good bond, it is only just now starting to strengthen, but I still have moments where I look at him think that he isn't my child. He doesn't look like my husband or I or any of our family members if I am truly honest, where the girls have dark hair, eyes and skin like my mum and myself, Jaycen is blonde haired, blue eyed and has pale skin that freckles easily but doesn't tan in the sun. It is hard to come to terms with the knowledge, knowledge that I have always known but was completely unable to accept in the emotionally traumatic aftermath of his birth, that he did actually grow inside my womb and did actually come out from it.
Emily's birth is a different story and not one that I have shared publicly outside of a private facebook support group before so now I am sharing it here so that others can know that they are not alone and so that others can do things to prevent this happening to them as well, and traumatic for far different reasons. Yes she was born vaginally, a successful 2nd VBAC only 15.5 months after my first successful VBAC, but things happened to me, were done to me, all without mine or my husbands permission, that I am still very very angry about. Being honest, I am grieving the birth that should have been with her, just as I grieved for what Jaycen's birth should have been as well, I may have succeeded in what I set out to do but through no fault of my own my 3rd and last- birth was medicalised and filled with unwanted interventions and nothing that I said or did made any difference. I was effectively relegated to the status of a bystander in my own labour and birth, I was ignored, denied, treated worse than an animal, things were done to me that I didn't want done and I was never asked if I wanted it done and when I refused I was told I couldn't refuse and in some cases even physically held down while they did it.
Some who read this may think what I have mentioned doesn't happen in this day and age, but the truth is that this all happened only 1.5 years ago, in early July 2012, and these things are still happening all around the world now. I am not alone in my experience, and one day I hope that these things will never happen again, that no one will every have to feel as scared, alone, afraid, terrified, angry, disheartened or made to feel as stupid as I was at that time.
What should have been a beautiful and empowering experience like Elise's birth was turned into a horrible experience that I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover from. Sometimes I wonder, how do rape victims recover from their horrible experience? I was "birth raped", this is a new term in birthing circles, I believe it was first coined in the early 90's (though of course I could be wrong), and I have lived through it, experienced it first hand, and my husband and children have had to live with the consequences of it ever since.
While I was in labour I had an obstetrician walk into my room unannounced and stick his hand up my vagina without even saying one word to me. Yes, that's right, he stuck his hand up my vagina without permission and then told me to keep still while he was examining me (I was squirming in pain and discomfort and horror, this was not what I had asked for or even expected and this strange man had stuck his whole hand up my vagina without introducing himself or asking permission!). He spoke to one of the midwives and then left. The midwife told me who he was and that I was 4cm dilated and asked if I would like something to help me sleep, I asked for pethidine. I was given an injection through a drip (something that I hadn't asked for and it was put in place before I could even say that I didn't want it, so much for the laws regarding the need for full consent before medical procedures are done), I was deemed to be dehydrated so fluids were started. I had been asking for the midwife to call my obstetrician for 6 hours by this stage and it would be another 6 hours before another midwife finally called him and told him that he wasn't required at the hospital.
Much later, when my youngest child was just over 1 day old, I would find out that I was given something that wasn't pethidine, I was instead given a drug that is used to stop premature labour, why I was given this I had no clue, and I was at the time of the drug having been administered 40 weeks and 2 days gestation, so most definitely NOT in premature labour. To this day I still cannot remember the name of the drug, I was in such shock after being told that (along with the fact that both myself and my newborn daughter were severely vitamin D deficient and that she was at risk of developing rickets if nothing was done about it) that I just didn't take it in. All I could think was "What next? What else was done to me without my knowledge?", I already knew what had been done to me without permission, but this I hadn't known and I am so angry at my treatment and what was done.
My birth plan had been thrown into a bin by a snotty midwife not long after I arrived at the hospital, I was told that because it wasn't signed by both my OB and the midwife I had seen through shared care it wasn't able to be followed in the hospital (I have since found out that this is a crock of shit and the midwife in question should be investigated for taking away my basic human rights of freedom of movement and for not following MY BIRTH PLAN which was for MY BIRTH) and as a result she refused to call my OB for confirmation of my birth plans.
In my birth plan I had wanted a physiological third stage with delayed cord clamping, not too much to ask at all, and really very simple. I mentioned my wishes several times throughout my labour, as did my husband, but once my youngest was out (through my vagina! A HUGE STUFF YOU to the Paediatrician and the Surgeon who were there when my cesarean was done at around 12:30pm on December 23rd 2008 at Sale Hospital in Victoria and came to me as soon as I was out of recovery and before I had even seen my baby, while I was completely on my own with no one to support me, and told me I would never, ever, deliver a baby vaginally and would only ever have cesareans because my pelvis was the wrong shape and too small for a babies head to fit through) the midwife immediately jabbed me with the synthetic pitocin and they cut the cord, and then began pulling on the cord to get the placenta out as soon as possible.
Once the placenta was out the horrible OB from earlier came storming back in and jabbed me with local anaesthetic in my vagina. I had a 2nd degree tear, a mild one, one that would have healed quite fine without stitches. Once again I was never asked for permission, and within moments of the local anaesthetic being administered the OB started stitching me up. I never even got the chance to tell him that local anaesthetic doesn't work well on me and takes forever and over a dozen injections to even start working at dulling the pain.
So I was stitched up, and unbeknownst to me a student doctor was also in the room without my permission, the first time I became aware of the student doctor was when I stopped being in agony from the stitches enough to hear the OB telling the student that "this is how you do this stitch, and here's a couple of extra ones that aren't really necessary just so you know exactly how it is done".
So you can see why I am ANGRY at what was done to me. I had a strange mans hand shoved up my vagina without permission, I was given medication (that I had never had before and therefore could have possibly been allergic to) given to me without permission, my birth plan was thrown in the bin and ignored, my requests were ignored, my demands were ignored, my OB was told that he wasn't needed even though I DID NEED HIM and had told the midwives over a dozen times that I REALLY BLOODY HELL DAMN FUCK YOU ALL I DID NEED HIM, I was physically held down on the bed so things could be done, I was stitched up without permission and given extra stitches that weren't needed at all and as a result I have extra scar tissue down there that shouldn't be there because it "over healed" with the extra stitching.
This same OB I have mentioned above had also been in the emergency department when I was 16 weeks and was there for severe lower abdominal pain and extremely high BP (it was 240/180+ for a couple of hours while I was there and only came down when I was given morphine for the pain). He never once examined me, never ordered an ultrasound. I had a large ovarian cyst on my left ovary and it had burst and he never investigated it. I could have gone into premature labour and lost my baby or bled out or even developed sepsis because of the cyst rupturing but he didn't care. All he said to me was "You are either having a miscarriage, a placental abruption or have pre-eclampsia, either way there is nothing we can do for you and we will just send you home to wait it out". Just what you want to hear at 16wks prengant with a much loved and wanted baby, NOT.
I am angry, I am devastated, I am frustrated, and I am still hurting from that birth experience. It should have been a wonderful birth, the birth of my 3rd and last baby, and instead I wasn't respected, I was treated horribly and expected to "GET OVER IT" because I had a "mostly" healthy baby. I should have been treated with the utmost respect, I should have been left alone to labour my way, my requests should have been honoured right away and my OB should have been called in to come and see me. It was MY birth, MY body, not theirs, and they took everything away from me and left me feeling like I had no control over anything. They were the bad guys in this story, what should have been beautiful and peaceful was turned into a horrible fiasco that I will never "get over" and will have to live with for the rest of my life.
So that is what happened, that is how I feel and why I feel that way. I hope I can help others who have been through this and feel like they are all alone, it is a horrible thing to go through.
Until next time,
Jenna
Today's long awaited post is going to be about my 2 traumatic birth experiences and where I am at in my healing from them. I have had a lot of time to think about these experiences over the past few weeks or so since Jaycen started school (he's doing extremely well at school too by the way and loves it), even with the girls here the house has been quieter and I've found myself wandering around aimlessly and thinking about the past and beginning to work through my feelings about my birth experiences.
I know it will still be a long time before I can truly accept them, but I am starting to move forward and that is the most important thing.
To begin with I have finally reached the stage where all I feel about my cesarean delivery is sadness. As recently as January 2013 I still felt angry about it, angry at myself for not knowing enough, not listening to my gut instincts, and not doing more to avoid the cesarean, and most importantly not saying no when the cesarean was first mentioned as my son was still happy and the decels during contractions were still within normal limits according to the research I have done since he was born just over 5 years ago.
So now I am sad, sad that it happened at all, sad for myself that I had to experience that kind of introduction to motherhood, sad for my son who has to live with how he was born and it's possible effects on his body and mind for the rest of his life, sad that he has had to live with a mother (myself) who was not entirely there (suffering from un-diagnosed post natal depression) during the first 4 years of his life, sad that we didn't have the inst-ant bond that the girls and I had, sad that he never got to breastfeed, sad that he spent the first 4.5 hours of his life away from me in a crib in the nursery on his own only being picked up by nurses for a feed, sad that his first feed was given to him without mine or his fathers permission and that it was formula that he was given, sad that none of the midwives even bothered to ask me if I wanted to breastfeed until he was already 3.5 days old (it's no wonder my milk took over 7 days to come in and that my supply was always lacking after he was born and disappeared so quickly when I got mastitis 3.5 weeks post partum).
I am sad that my whole introduction to motherhood was coloured by the traumatic experience that was Jaycen's birth. No mother should have to go through that kind of trauma. To look at your newborn baby and think that he isn't yours, to think that they have given you someone else's child by mistake, to not feel anything at all when you look at your newborn child, that is the most horrible feeling ever. And you feel guilty because you don't have those loving feelings that everyone tells you about, you feel disgusted in yourself, you feel like a horrible mother because you don't love your baby properly, and you feel like a failure because you couldn't do what nature made you to do - you couldn't deliver your baby vaginally and you couldn't breastfeed. That is how I felt back then, and to some degree those feelings are still inside me. Jaycen and I don't have a very good bond, it is only just now starting to strengthen, but I still have moments where I look at him think that he isn't my child. He doesn't look like my husband or I or any of our family members if I am truly honest, where the girls have dark hair, eyes and skin like my mum and myself, Jaycen is blonde haired, blue eyed and has pale skin that freckles easily but doesn't tan in the sun. It is hard to come to terms with the knowledge, knowledge that I have always known but was completely unable to accept in the emotionally traumatic aftermath of his birth, that he did actually grow inside my womb and did actually come out from it.
Emily's birth is a different story and not one that I have shared publicly outside of a private facebook support group before so now I am sharing it here so that others can know that they are not alone and so that others can do things to prevent this happening to them as well, and traumatic for far different reasons. Yes she was born vaginally, a successful 2nd VBAC only 15.5 months after my first successful VBAC, but things happened to me, were done to me, all without mine or my husbands permission, that I am still very very angry about. Being honest, I am grieving the birth that should have been with her, just as I grieved for what Jaycen's birth should have been as well, I may have succeeded in what I set out to do but through no fault of my own my 3rd and last- birth was medicalised and filled with unwanted interventions and nothing that I said or did made any difference. I was effectively relegated to the status of a bystander in my own labour and birth, I was ignored, denied, treated worse than an animal, things were done to me that I didn't want done and I was never asked if I wanted it done and when I refused I was told I couldn't refuse and in some cases even physically held down while they did it.
Some who read this may think what I have mentioned doesn't happen in this day and age, but the truth is that this all happened only 1.5 years ago, in early July 2012, and these things are still happening all around the world now. I am not alone in my experience, and one day I hope that these things will never happen again, that no one will every have to feel as scared, alone, afraid, terrified, angry, disheartened or made to feel as stupid as I was at that time.
What should have been a beautiful and empowering experience like Elise's birth was turned into a horrible experience that I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover from. Sometimes I wonder, how do rape victims recover from their horrible experience? I was "birth raped", this is a new term in birthing circles, I believe it was first coined in the early 90's (though of course I could be wrong), and I have lived through it, experienced it first hand, and my husband and children have had to live with the consequences of it ever since.
While I was in labour I had an obstetrician walk into my room unannounced and stick his hand up my vagina without even saying one word to me. Yes, that's right, he stuck his hand up my vagina without permission and then told me to keep still while he was examining me (I was squirming in pain and discomfort and horror, this was not what I had asked for or even expected and this strange man had stuck his whole hand up my vagina without introducing himself or asking permission!). He spoke to one of the midwives and then left. The midwife told me who he was and that I was 4cm dilated and asked if I would like something to help me sleep, I asked for pethidine. I was given an injection through a drip (something that I hadn't asked for and it was put in place before I could even say that I didn't want it, so much for the laws regarding the need for full consent before medical procedures are done), I was deemed to be dehydrated so fluids were started. I had been asking for the midwife to call my obstetrician for 6 hours by this stage and it would be another 6 hours before another midwife finally called him and told him that he wasn't required at the hospital.
Much later, when my youngest child was just over 1 day old, I would find out that I was given something that wasn't pethidine, I was instead given a drug that is used to stop premature labour, why I was given this I had no clue, and I was at the time of the drug having been administered 40 weeks and 2 days gestation, so most definitely NOT in premature labour. To this day I still cannot remember the name of the drug, I was in such shock after being told that (along with the fact that both myself and my newborn daughter were severely vitamin D deficient and that she was at risk of developing rickets if nothing was done about it) that I just didn't take it in. All I could think was "What next? What else was done to me without my knowledge?", I already knew what had been done to me without permission, but this I hadn't known and I am so angry at my treatment and what was done.
My birth plan had been thrown into a bin by a snotty midwife not long after I arrived at the hospital, I was told that because it wasn't signed by both my OB and the midwife I had seen through shared care it wasn't able to be followed in the hospital (I have since found out that this is a crock of shit and the midwife in question should be investigated for taking away my basic human rights of freedom of movement and for not following MY BIRTH PLAN which was for MY BIRTH) and as a result she refused to call my OB for confirmation of my birth plans.
In my birth plan I had wanted a physiological third stage with delayed cord clamping, not too much to ask at all, and really very simple. I mentioned my wishes several times throughout my labour, as did my husband, but once my youngest was out (through my vagina! A HUGE STUFF YOU to the Paediatrician and the Surgeon who were there when my cesarean was done at around 12:30pm on December 23rd 2008 at Sale Hospital in Victoria and came to me as soon as I was out of recovery and before I had even seen my baby, while I was completely on my own with no one to support me, and told me I would never, ever, deliver a baby vaginally and would only ever have cesareans because my pelvis was the wrong shape and too small for a babies head to fit through) the midwife immediately jabbed me with the synthetic pitocin and they cut the cord, and then began pulling on the cord to get the placenta out as soon as possible.
Once the placenta was out the horrible OB from earlier came storming back in and jabbed me with local anaesthetic in my vagina. I had a 2nd degree tear, a mild one, one that would have healed quite fine without stitches. Once again I was never asked for permission, and within moments of the local anaesthetic being administered the OB started stitching me up. I never even got the chance to tell him that local anaesthetic doesn't work well on me and takes forever and over a dozen injections to even start working at dulling the pain.
So I was stitched up, and unbeknownst to me a student doctor was also in the room without my permission, the first time I became aware of the student doctor was when I stopped being in agony from the stitches enough to hear the OB telling the student that "this is how you do this stitch, and here's a couple of extra ones that aren't really necessary just so you know exactly how it is done".
So you can see why I am ANGRY at what was done to me. I had a strange mans hand shoved up my vagina without permission, I was given medication (that I had never had before and therefore could have possibly been allergic to) given to me without permission, my birth plan was thrown in the bin and ignored, my requests were ignored, my demands were ignored, my OB was told that he wasn't needed even though I DID NEED HIM and had told the midwives over a dozen times that I REALLY BLOODY HELL DAMN FUCK YOU ALL I DID NEED HIM, I was physically held down on the bed so things could be done, I was stitched up without permission and given extra stitches that weren't needed at all and as a result I have extra scar tissue down there that shouldn't be there because it "over healed" with the extra stitching.
This same OB I have mentioned above had also been in the emergency department when I was 16 weeks and was there for severe lower abdominal pain and extremely high BP (it was 240/180+ for a couple of hours while I was there and only came down when I was given morphine for the pain). He never once examined me, never ordered an ultrasound. I had a large ovarian cyst on my left ovary and it had burst and he never investigated it. I could have gone into premature labour and lost my baby or bled out or even developed sepsis because of the cyst rupturing but he didn't care. All he said to me was "You are either having a miscarriage, a placental abruption or have pre-eclampsia, either way there is nothing we can do for you and we will just send you home to wait it out". Just what you want to hear at 16wks prengant with a much loved and wanted baby, NOT.
I am angry, I am devastated, I am frustrated, and I am still hurting from that birth experience. It should have been a wonderful birth, the birth of my 3rd and last baby, and instead I wasn't respected, I was treated horribly and expected to "GET OVER IT" because I had a "mostly" healthy baby. I should have been treated with the utmost respect, I should have been left alone to labour my way, my requests should have been honoured right away and my OB should have been called in to come and see me. It was MY birth, MY body, not theirs, and they took everything away from me and left me feeling like I had no control over anything. They were the bad guys in this story, what should have been beautiful and peaceful was turned into a horrible fiasco that I will never "get over" and will have to live with for the rest of my life.
So that is what happened, that is how I feel and why I feel that way. I hope I can help others who have been through this and feel like they are all alone, it is a horrible thing to go through.
Until next time,
Jenna
Tuesday 10 December 2013
Update, and a long post on taking things the wrong way and misunderstandings
I am writing while sitting inside with the fans and air conditioner on from our new house in sunny QLD (well, rather overcast QLD today). The house is wonderful, more than I could have hoped for, and we are slowly settling in after our big move on October 4th.
I am now almost completely off the antidepressants now, I take half a 50mg (so 25mg) tablet of Zoloft a week, and emotionally things haven't changed so I am taking that as a good sign that my withdrawals are confined only to mild physical symptoms like tingling in the limbs and extremities and dizziness/feeling light headed.
The only things that have brought me down are the occasional argument with the hubby over finances (we need to sell our old house so that we can clear out all our current debts and it isn't happening yet grrrr), and having people on facebook taking what I type the wrong way.
Before I go any further I would like to state that I am not writing this out of any anger or hate, I am writing it with only confusion and the thirst to learn what went wrong. I am merely using this medium to get my thoughts out of my head and put them down where I can reanalyse them at a later date and learn what words in what order could be taken the wrong way so that I can improve my "neutral" status updates so that in future they can't be taken the wrong way.
A serious question though, if you are asked a question about who has removed themselves from your friends list and you answer it with a name, and are then asked if you know why they've removed themselves and you admit that you don't know and then make a guess saying "I guess being diagnosed with PND and moving to QLD might have been the right time time for said person to defriend me", it's a guess, something that isn't based on fact and is just a conclusion you make without sufficient information to back you up and confirm it, you wouldn't normally see it as having a go at someone unless you were already looking for a fight would you? I know that I wouldn't, my closest friends wouldn't, the person who asked me the initial question didn't and was horrified that an innocent question had started such a huge drama just because I had answered with a name and made a guess.
I have nothing against this person who started the drama. Apparently I am passive aggressive against her and other "crunchy" or gentle parenting mothers, apparently I have something against them all and am anti-crunchy/gentle parenting just because I have smacked my kids. The reality is I have nothing against them, some of my closest friends are Crunchy and Gentle Parenting mumma's, I respect their parenting beliefs and they respect mine even if they don't believe them to be the right way to parent themselves, if I post something on my wall that might impact a bit negatively on gentle parenting without realising it, they just ignore it and move on, they don't start a fight or create drama just for the sake of it.
To be honest I feel sorry for this person. This isn't the first time she's taken something the wrong way and created drama. I've stuck by her as a friend in the past even though I didn't agree with why she started the drama, I just ignored it, had a bitch to hubby in bed at night if I needed to clear my head of it (if by the off chance said person does happen to come across this and recognises it, or one of her friends, ONCE AGAIN I AM NOT HAVING A GO AT YOU SO STOP THINKING THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE SOMETHING BAD ABOUT YOU!!!, and then moved past it and went back to being friends and enjoying the good things about said person. I have noticed that said person does pick fights a lot, and is very touchy about anything said about herself and her family and reacts rather angrily and aggressively by attacking the person who makes the apparently "controversial" comment. I understand where she's coming from, I've done it myself in the past. Which is why I've never deliberately made any comments about her behaviour before. Last night I did lose control a bit after being abused one time too many in a short period of time and I did make some comments that shouldn't have been made, and for that I am sorry, but now it is done and I cannot take any of it back. In a way it is a good thing, because it has removed a negative person from my social circle who was only going to bring me down with her if I had continued to respond to her comments.
I have to note though that this person is also a fellow doula, which scares me a bit. If she can read passive aggressive from an originally neutral post and "guesses" made in the form of puzzled comments then I worry how her reputation as a doula will be affected if she reacts the same way to something that one of her clients says without the client realising that it could be interpreted as passive aggressive or, if a client is trying to tell her that she has done something wrong and is unable to get it across without seeming confrontational or condescending. Going on from that if her reputation is affected by just one client that she took the wrong way then every other doula's reputation will suffer as well. Word of mouth spreads quickly, especially when social networking is involved, and a once perfect reputation can be ruined in an hour if enough people talk about it. It is scary, and it makes it even more important for Doula's to learn and take in communication skills during their training. Something that I have noticed after talking to many doula's who have done their training through many different organisations is that not every Doula Training organisation has an in depth module dedicated to only communication and what things could be taken the wrong way and how to improve how you communicate with not only clients, but people in general.
Back to the original reason I'm posting about this. I have also had people say things about me in the past, for the most part I ignored it, unless I was pregnant and then I gave back as good as I got because undiagnosed post-natal and pre-natal depression while pregnant can make you very angry and aggressive which is what happened to me. I admit, I have created drama and started arguments before, but I always apologised for starting them once they reached a certain point where things just start going around and around in circles, which is what happened last night. Instead of accepting my explanation for why I posted and nicely asking to remove the answers to the question said person just kept going on about it and abusing me. She took it too far, and has now lost a friend who used to respect her and her personal beliefs.
I am also fully aware that she has lost respect for me as well, if she ever had any respect for me in the first place, I don't know and I never will truly know as I am not her and don't know how her mind works. All I can do is make personal observations on what I have seen of her behaviour yesterday and in the past, and from my point of view it doesn't look good, just as much of my past behaviour doesn't look good either. The difference between the two of us though is that I am actively working on improving how I control my emotions and what I let bother me and what I don't let bother me.
I was doing pretty well until the abuse started, and that's one thing I WILL NOT STAND at all, being verbally abused by someone who has no idea what I've been through or am going through and insists on making it look like she has it worse than everyone else - which is untrue, there is always someone far worse off than you are, something that I am faced with every day as a self confessed VBACtivist who supports women wanting to VBAC and having to fight tooth and nail just to get an empowering, often healing birth in a way that they want and not under the knife by some obstetrician's orders.
I may have gone through hell and back again bringing my first child and third child into the world, but both times it wasn't as bad as what someone else went through to bring their children into the world. My birth experiences had shaped me, made me, brought me down and lifted me back up again. I am stronger for what I have been through, I have more knowledge than I did when I was pregnant with each of my children, I am able to support a woman impartially throughout her pregnancy and birth, and able to share her happiness and excitement when her baby is born happy and healthy while taking any negative feedback at the same time and learning from it to be better the next time.
The one thing that I still seem to have trouble with though is dealing with people in general. I have always struggled to relate to people, to get my words across the right way. Even as a very young child I was far more comfortable around adults than I was around other children my age, but I also had the problem where I would say things that could be taken as negative or innapropriate by others. I am a literal person by nature, I say it how it is and rarely think about the consequences if what I said is taken the wrong way. In many ways I am naive when it comes to the intricacies involved in normal every day conversation, what I see as normal conversation isn't normal to most people and they find it strange and hard to relate to, just as I do with them. It seems that this is a lasting legacy from my childhood, one that I may or may not be able to overcome. But you know what? I AM GOING TO KEEP ON TRYING. Because that is all that I can do, try and try, and try again until either I overcome it or reach a point where it doesn't matter anymore
And this is where I end this post. I have updated on where we are at, I have raised a valid issue and put my side of the story across, and I have gone off topic a bit, come back again, and extended the issue again.
I have tried to explain why I think, talk and write the way that I do in the only way that I know how to. What those who read this take away from my post is up to them, I am not responsible for other peoples feelings and emotions, and I am not responsible for other peoples misunderstandings of what I write, if I was I would probably be in jail already, or dead because someone decided that I shouldn't be allowed to live. Any misunderstandings or bad emotions are the responsibility of those who have them only, and it is their choice of what they do with them, if they choose badly and take it out on others that is their problem, not mine. If they choose the better option and ignore it and move on then that puts a good light on them and they have my respect.
Jenna.
I am now almost completely off the antidepressants now, I take half a 50mg (so 25mg) tablet of Zoloft a week, and emotionally things haven't changed so I am taking that as a good sign that my withdrawals are confined only to mild physical symptoms like tingling in the limbs and extremities and dizziness/feeling light headed.
The only things that have brought me down are the occasional argument with the hubby over finances (we need to sell our old house so that we can clear out all our current debts and it isn't happening yet grrrr), and having people on facebook taking what I type the wrong way.
Before I go any further I would like to state that I am not writing this out of any anger or hate, I am writing it with only confusion and the thirst to learn what went wrong. I am merely using this medium to get my thoughts out of my head and put them down where I can reanalyse them at a later date and learn what words in what order could be taken the wrong way so that I can improve my "neutral" status updates so that in future they can't be taken the wrong way.
A serious question though, if you are asked a question about who has removed themselves from your friends list and you answer it with a name, and are then asked if you know why they've removed themselves and you admit that you don't know and then make a guess saying "I guess being diagnosed with PND and moving to QLD might have been the right time time for said person to defriend me", it's a guess, something that isn't based on fact and is just a conclusion you make without sufficient information to back you up and confirm it, you wouldn't normally see it as having a go at someone unless you were already looking for a fight would you? I know that I wouldn't, my closest friends wouldn't, the person who asked me the initial question didn't and was horrified that an innocent question had started such a huge drama just because I had answered with a name and made a guess.
I have nothing against this person who started the drama. Apparently I am passive aggressive against her and other "crunchy" or gentle parenting mothers, apparently I have something against them all and am anti-crunchy/gentle parenting just because I have smacked my kids. The reality is I have nothing against them, some of my closest friends are Crunchy and Gentle Parenting mumma's, I respect their parenting beliefs and they respect mine even if they don't believe them to be the right way to parent themselves, if I post something on my wall that might impact a bit negatively on gentle parenting without realising it, they just ignore it and move on, they don't start a fight or create drama just for the sake of it.
To be honest I feel sorry for this person. This isn't the first time she's taken something the wrong way and created drama. I've stuck by her as a friend in the past even though I didn't agree with why she started the drama, I just ignored it, had a bitch to hubby in bed at night if I needed to clear my head of it (if by the off chance said person does happen to come across this and recognises it, or one of her friends, ONCE AGAIN I AM NOT HAVING A GO AT YOU SO STOP THINKING THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE SOMETHING BAD ABOUT YOU!!!, and then moved past it and went back to being friends and enjoying the good things about said person. I have noticed that said person does pick fights a lot, and is very touchy about anything said about herself and her family and reacts rather angrily and aggressively by attacking the person who makes the apparently "controversial" comment. I understand where she's coming from, I've done it myself in the past. Which is why I've never deliberately made any comments about her behaviour before. Last night I did lose control a bit after being abused one time too many in a short period of time and I did make some comments that shouldn't have been made, and for that I am sorry, but now it is done and I cannot take any of it back. In a way it is a good thing, because it has removed a negative person from my social circle who was only going to bring me down with her if I had continued to respond to her comments.
I have to note though that this person is also a fellow doula, which scares me a bit. If she can read passive aggressive from an originally neutral post and "guesses" made in the form of puzzled comments then I worry how her reputation as a doula will be affected if she reacts the same way to something that one of her clients says without the client realising that it could be interpreted as passive aggressive or, if a client is trying to tell her that she has done something wrong and is unable to get it across without seeming confrontational or condescending. Going on from that if her reputation is affected by just one client that she took the wrong way then every other doula's reputation will suffer as well. Word of mouth spreads quickly, especially when social networking is involved, and a once perfect reputation can be ruined in an hour if enough people talk about it. It is scary, and it makes it even more important for Doula's to learn and take in communication skills during their training. Something that I have noticed after talking to many doula's who have done their training through many different organisations is that not every Doula Training organisation has an in depth module dedicated to only communication and what things could be taken the wrong way and how to improve how you communicate with not only clients, but people in general.
Back to the original reason I'm posting about this. I have also had people say things about me in the past, for the most part I ignored it, unless I was pregnant and then I gave back as good as I got because undiagnosed post-natal and pre-natal depression while pregnant can make you very angry and aggressive which is what happened to me. I admit, I have created drama and started arguments before, but I always apologised for starting them once they reached a certain point where things just start going around and around in circles, which is what happened last night. Instead of accepting my explanation for why I posted and nicely asking to remove the answers to the question said person just kept going on about it and abusing me. She took it too far, and has now lost a friend who used to respect her and her personal beliefs.
I am also fully aware that she has lost respect for me as well, if she ever had any respect for me in the first place, I don't know and I never will truly know as I am not her and don't know how her mind works. All I can do is make personal observations on what I have seen of her behaviour yesterday and in the past, and from my point of view it doesn't look good, just as much of my past behaviour doesn't look good either. The difference between the two of us though is that I am actively working on improving how I control my emotions and what I let bother me and what I don't let bother me.
I was doing pretty well until the abuse started, and that's one thing I WILL NOT STAND at all, being verbally abused by someone who has no idea what I've been through or am going through and insists on making it look like she has it worse than everyone else - which is untrue, there is always someone far worse off than you are, something that I am faced with every day as a self confessed VBACtivist who supports women wanting to VBAC and having to fight tooth and nail just to get an empowering, often healing birth in a way that they want and not under the knife by some obstetrician's orders.
I may have gone through hell and back again bringing my first child and third child into the world, but both times it wasn't as bad as what someone else went through to bring their children into the world. My birth experiences had shaped me, made me, brought me down and lifted me back up again. I am stronger for what I have been through, I have more knowledge than I did when I was pregnant with each of my children, I am able to support a woman impartially throughout her pregnancy and birth, and able to share her happiness and excitement when her baby is born happy and healthy while taking any negative feedback at the same time and learning from it to be better the next time.
The one thing that I still seem to have trouble with though is dealing with people in general. I have always struggled to relate to people, to get my words across the right way. Even as a very young child I was far more comfortable around adults than I was around other children my age, but I also had the problem where I would say things that could be taken as negative or innapropriate by others. I am a literal person by nature, I say it how it is and rarely think about the consequences if what I said is taken the wrong way. In many ways I am naive when it comes to the intricacies involved in normal every day conversation, what I see as normal conversation isn't normal to most people and they find it strange and hard to relate to, just as I do with them. It seems that this is a lasting legacy from my childhood, one that I may or may not be able to overcome. But you know what? I AM GOING TO KEEP ON TRYING. Because that is all that I can do, try and try, and try again until either I overcome it or reach a point where it doesn't matter anymore
And this is where I end this post. I have updated on where we are at, I have raised a valid issue and put my side of the story across, and I have gone off topic a bit, come back again, and extended the issue again.
I have tried to explain why I think, talk and write the way that I do in the only way that I know how to. What those who read this take away from my post is up to them, I am not responsible for other peoples feelings and emotions, and I am not responsible for other peoples misunderstandings of what I write, if I was I would probably be in jail already, or dead because someone decided that I shouldn't be allowed to live. Any misunderstandings or bad emotions are the responsibility of those who have them only, and it is their choice of what they do with them, if they choose badly and take it out on others that is their problem, not mine. If they choose the better option and ignore it and move on then that puts a good light on them and they have my respect.
Jenna.
Monday 24 June 2013
Home, And Planning a BIG Move :)
Hello all, I am home again. My plane flew in on thursday night.
I really enjoyed myself up in QLD, it was so beautiful and warm even though it is winter. I came home with a tan lol.
Much of my time up there was pent looking at houses as we are planning a BIG move to QLD in the last week of September/first week of October. Not long to go now - only 3 months to go! I can't wait, I am so excited.
While up there I also had to visit a local doctor (Dr McArthur from the Kallangur Clinic is AMAZING! A true blue Aussie bloke who is also a Doctor, and a GREAT one at that!) due to getting severe tonsilitis and a sinus infection that showed itself on the plane trip up there on May 17th. Dr McArthur went over my Effexor Prescription and agreed with me that it wasn't the best option for me while I was breastfeeding, he said that the side effects while meaning off of it were awful and he didn't recommend it, so he took me off of it and put me on Zoloft. I have to say that Zoloft is making me feel better than Effexor did, I don't get the dizzy spells or light headedness that I used to get while on Effexor, and so far my only side effects have been a 10 day period and some nausea, and some weight loss - which I can't complain about because I have a lot of weight to lose ROFL.
It was great to see my mum again, and the kids loved seeing her and my stepdad (their Poppy) every day as well - Jaycen can't wait to go back again as he misses his Grandma and Poppy.
So we are moving to QLD. We have our eyes on a house in Kallangur which is at Auction on July 6th, it is a 3 bedroom house with a large room downstairs that we can turn into a master bedroom, it has 2 toilets and 2 showers, a Pool, a nice backyard, 1 garage and is fully and securely fenced. It is also only a short walk to all shops and the local Public School where Jaycen will most likely be attending next year, and it is only 2.5km away from the nearest train station.
It is perfect.
All we need to do now is get finance and sell our house (we have 2 possible buyers currently, one is offering $140,000, and the other is offering $150,000). We will hopefully find out tomorrow if it is sold or not.
In other news I am losing weight! I have lost 4.1kg in the past 38 days - 2.1kg of that has been over the past 4 days which is a little bit freaky, but hopefully it will level out to a slower weight loss soon as my body gets used to the new antidepressants.
Emily also learned to crawl while we were in QLD. Now she can get around everywhere and follow me ROFL
So anyway, that is about it for now, Matt is making Emily giggle right now (she's such a daddy's girl!) and we will all be going to bed soon.
Until next time,
Jenna.
I really enjoyed myself up in QLD, it was so beautiful and warm even though it is winter. I came home with a tan lol.
Much of my time up there was pent looking at houses as we are planning a BIG move to QLD in the last week of September/first week of October. Not long to go now - only 3 months to go! I can't wait, I am so excited.
While up there I also had to visit a local doctor (Dr McArthur from the Kallangur Clinic is AMAZING! A true blue Aussie bloke who is also a Doctor, and a GREAT one at that!) due to getting severe tonsilitis and a sinus infection that showed itself on the plane trip up there on May 17th. Dr McArthur went over my Effexor Prescription and agreed with me that it wasn't the best option for me while I was breastfeeding, he said that the side effects while meaning off of it were awful and he didn't recommend it, so he took me off of it and put me on Zoloft. I have to say that Zoloft is making me feel better than Effexor did, I don't get the dizzy spells or light headedness that I used to get while on Effexor, and so far my only side effects have been a 10 day period and some nausea, and some weight loss - which I can't complain about because I have a lot of weight to lose ROFL.
It was great to see my mum again, and the kids loved seeing her and my stepdad (their Poppy) every day as well - Jaycen can't wait to go back again as he misses his Grandma and Poppy.
So we are moving to QLD. We have our eyes on a house in Kallangur which is at Auction on July 6th, it is a 3 bedroom house with a large room downstairs that we can turn into a master bedroom, it has 2 toilets and 2 showers, a Pool, a nice backyard, 1 garage and is fully and securely fenced. It is also only a short walk to all shops and the local Public School where Jaycen will most likely be attending next year, and it is only 2.5km away from the nearest train station.
It is perfect.
All we need to do now is get finance and sell our house (we have 2 possible buyers currently, one is offering $140,000, and the other is offering $150,000). We will hopefully find out tomorrow if it is sold or not.
In other news I am losing weight! I have lost 4.1kg in the past 38 days - 2.1kg of that has been over the past 4 days which is a little bit freaky, but hopefully it will level out to a slower weight loss soon as my body gets used to the new antidepressants.
Emily also learned to crawl while we were in QLD. Now she can get around everywhere and follow me ROFL
So anyway, that is about it for now, Matt is making Emily giggle right now (she's such a daddy's girl!) and we will all be going to bed soon.
Until next time,
Jenna.
Monday 13 May 2013
More on Jaycen
As I said in the previous post we have known that something was up with Jaycen for a while, I suspected things (ADHD and Aspergers Syndrome) but couldn't prove anything until we got a new Maternal and Child Health Nurse in July 2012, after Emily was born, who saw what I saw and gave us a recommendation for our GP to refer us to a Paediatrician.
During Easter 2012 we discovered that when Jaycen ate chocolate he became quite violent towards me and his little sister Elise, he would hit us and became rather nasty in general, so we made the decision to cut chocolate out of his life, he never had it on a regular basis anyway as we made an effort to make sure that he ate only healthy foods as Matt and I are both overweight and we didn't want him to end up struggling to lose weight as an adult like us, so it was a simple thing to do.
In February while Matt was home sick with the blood clot in his leg we had 2 and half wonderful weeks where Jaycen was on his best behaviour, being helpful and nice, not getting hyperactive or doing anything naughty and we thought that it would be the end of all the trouble we had had with him, but it wasn't to last, at the end of those 2 and a half weeks he went straight back to his old self and progressively got worse.
In March we decided to try a gluten free diet to see if that helped as we had been told that going gluten free could sometimes help ADHD children reduce their hyperactive behaviour, unfortunately this didn't work.
At the start of April Jaycen attended the birthday party of one of his daycare buddies, and ate lollies (I didn't realise there were lollies there until after he had started eating them) and within 15 minutes he was so hyperactive and into everything that I was starting to stress out and worried that we would be asked to leave (we had walked almost 4km just to get there! and I didn't want to have to walk all that way back home, uphill, with a hyperactive child who wouldn't listen to anything that I said), 30 minutes later Matt arrived and picked us up and we went home because we needed to get Jaycen out of there before he did something really bad.
At home Jaycen ran around like a crazy person, jabbering on about nothing in particular, getting into everything, hitting his sister, touching things that he knows he isn't allowed to touch, hitting the dog (how our dog, Libby, puts up with it I will never understand, she is so patient with him and treats him like he is her own puppy), and he started having jerky movements and twitching. After an hour he finally crashed on his bed and fell into a deep sleep the we couldn't wake him from, he was still twitching and I was a bit worried.
When he woke up 2 hours later he was a very subdued little boy and not his normal self. We made the decision then and there to cut processed sugars completely out of his diet.
It has been a difficult month trying to keep sugar out of his diet, he can no longer have his favourite Apricot Jam on toast and sandwiches and we are limited to giving him Vegemite instead. He cannot have most stir fry sauces, or much sauce (tomato sauce and BBQ sauce) in general, because they contain too much sugar as well so we tend to not give him any at all unless it's a special occasion.
Yesterday we discovered that he cannot have strawberries. At daycare they do a morning tea for the children with fruits, carrots, celery, cheese and berries. Jaycen loves strawberries so of course he ate as many of them as he could get and ignored everything else on the plates.
According to his room teacher, Tony, within minutes of eating the strawberries he became so hyperactive and uncontrollable that they had to let him outside for an hour (in the drizzle that kept on coming and going yesterday) just to run off some of the energy as he was disturbing the other children in his room. Jaycen stayed hyperactive for the rest of the day until he finally fell asleep at 7:30pm.
At least we now know that Strawberries are a trigger, but it is sad that he can no longer eat one of his favourite foods.
I am going to be writing up a list of things that he can't eat tonight to take up to QLD with us so that my mum and stepdad know what he can't eat as well.
To say that I am worried is an understatement. I am scared, frustrated and terrified about the future and what it will mean for Jaycen. All I ever wanted was for him to have a normal life, now I don't know what the future holds. We had planned to send him to school next year, but now he may have to stay back and do kindergarten next year instead and start school the year after - the year that he turns 7! If he starts school the year that he turns 7 I am scared that he will be teased and called dumb because he will be so much older (almost 2 years older) than the majority of the other children in his class. It is a scary thought, and I know firsthand how cruel other children can be to someone who is different to the norm.
So here I am scared, worried and fearful of what is to come.
Until next time.
Jenna.
During Easter 2012 we discovered that when Jaycen ate chocolate he became quite violent towards me and his little sister Elise, he would hit us and became rather nasty in general, so we made the decision to cut chocolate out of his life, he never had it on a regular basis anyway as we made an effort to make sure that he ate only healthy foods as Matt and I are both overweight and we didn't want him to end up struggling to lose weight as an adult like us, so it was a simple thing to do.
In February while Matt was home sick with the blood clot in his leg we had 2 and half wonderful weeks where Jaycen was on his best behaviour, being helpful and nice, not getting hyperactive or doing anything naughty and we thought that it would be the end of all the trouble we had had with him, but it wasn't to last, at the end of those 2 and a half weeks he went straight back to his old self and progressively got worse.
In March we decided to try a gluten free diet to see if that helped as we had been told that going gluten free could sometimes help ADHD children reduce their hyperactive behaviour, unfortunately this didn't work.
At the start of April Jaycen attended the birthday party of one of his daycare buddies, and ate lollies (I didn't realise there were lollies there until after he had started eating them) and within 15 minutes he was so hyperactive and into everything that I was starting to stress out and worried that we would be asked to leave (we had walked almost 4km just to get there! and I didn't want to have to walk all that way back home, uphill, with a hyperactive child who wouldn't listen to anything that I said), 30 minutes later Matt arrived and picked us up and we went home because we needed to get Jaycen out of there before he did something really bad.
At home Jaycen ran around like a crazy person, jabbering on about nothing in particular, getting into everything, hitting his sister, touching things that he knows he isn't allowed to touch, hitting the dog (how our dog, Libby, puts up with it I will never understand, she is so patient with him and treats him like he is her own puppy), and he started having jerky movements and twitching. After an hour he finally crashed on his bed and fell into a deep sleep the we couldn't wake him from, he was still twitching and I was a bit worried.
When he woke up 2 hours later he was a very subdued little boy and not his normal self. We made the decision then and there to cut processed sugars completely out of his diet.
It has been a difficult month trying to keep sugar out of his diet, he can no longer have his favourite Apricot Jam on toast and sandwiches and we are limited to giving him Vegemite instead. He cannot have most stir fry sauces, or much sauce (tomato sauce and BBQ sauce) in general, because they contain too much sugar as well so we tend to not give him any at all unless it's a special occasion.
Yesterday we discovered that he cannot have strawberries. At daycare they do a morning tea for the children with fruits, carrots, celery, cheese and berries. Jaycen loves strawberries so of course he ate as many of them as he could get and ignored everything else on the plates.
According to his room teacher, Tony, within minutes of eating the strawberries he became so hyperactive and uncontrollable that they had to let him outside for an hour (in the drizzle that kept on coming and going yesterday) just to run off some of the energy as he was disturbing the other children in his room. Jaycen stayed hyperactive for the rest of the day until he finally fell asleep at 7:30pm.
At least we now know that Strawberries are a trigger, but it is sad that he can no longer eat one of his favourite foods.
I am going to be writing up a list of things that he can't eat tonight to take up to QLD with us so that my mum and stepdad know what he can't eat as well.
To say that I am worried is an understatement. I am scared, frustrated and terrified about the future and what it will mean for Jaycen. All I ever wanted was for him to have a normal life, now I don't know what the future holds. We had planned to send him to school next year, but now he may have to stay back and do kindergarten next year instead and start school the year after - the year that he turns 7! If he starts school the year that he turns 7 I am scared that he will be teased and called dumb because he will be so much older (almost 2 years older) than the majority of the other children in his class. It is a scary thought, and I know firsthand how cruel other children can be to someone who is different to the norm.
So here I am scared, worried and fearful of what is to come.
Until next time.
Jenna.
Saturday 11 May 2013
A Possible Diagnosis For Jaycen
For those who know me they will know that I have complained a lot about Jaycen's behaviour and how hyperactive he is. On wednesday I did my driving test and failed yet again (so now I am setting my sights for July to do it again and hopefully pass, this should give me more time to work on the things caused me to fail), and in the afternoon we had Jaycen's first Paediatrician appointment.
It went well, the doctor typed down everything we said as we said it (a pleasant change from our local GP's who dodn't write notes until afterwards and sometimes get things wrong), and then got the paediatrician in to talk to us as well.
The paediatrician is of the opinion that Jaycen has ADHD, and also has either high functioning Asbergers Syndrome (a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder) or OCD, or even all 3 of them.
To be honest I am not at all surprised. I have known that he was different to other boys his age since he was 18 months old, and suspected ADHD and Asbergers since he was 27 months old and learned how to unlock the front door, open it and cross the road in peak hour school drop-off/pick-up traffic around the same time that he started to obsess over certain things.
Jaycen is an extremely intelligent little boy, he could count to 10 by the age of 2, and knew all the colours of the rainbow and count to 15 by age 3, now at age 4 he can count to 20, dresses himself and puts his shoes on (we are still working on tying his shoelaces on the few shoes he has that don't have velcro). He makes decisions over what he does and what he eats. The only things he is really behind in are the pincer grasp and drawing - he still just does squiggles and lines and only a few circles, although lately he has become obsessed with drawing rainbows. He is also extremely creative, he makes Jewellery with me displaying a very advanced use of colour and shapes, and his hand/eye coordination is very good, at daycare he makes the most amazing creations using the magnetic building pieces (similar to meccano but in different flat shapes like squares, rectangles, diamons and triangles).
The reason why I have suspected Asbergers since he was 27 months old is because I have dated (and even once been engaged to) 2 men with Asbergers Syndrome, and Jaycen is so similar to both of them in temperament and in his actions/behaviour that it is quite scary.
Jaycen is obsessive about cars, motorbikes, trucks, trains, helicopters and Chuggington (a childrens TV show with talking trains). He has aversions to vegetables, bee's and Apples. He gets separation anxiety when I am not around, and he has anger issues because he is unable to control his emotions, basically he is either extremely happy/excited or extremely sad/angry with no grey area's in between.
The paediatrician also confirmed our suspicions about a sensory issue, in that Jaycen has to touch EVERYTHING that he see's, even if it is dangerous to him. He also has to count everything as well, a good example of this is the other day when Matt took Jaycen shopping with him, at the checkout Jaycen had to count every single bar of chocolate in the top layer of the display and when Matt tried to pull him away Jaycen had a tantrum and insisted on finishing his counting - this could be a symptom of both OCD and Asbergers, hence why the Paediatrician didn't want to give us a full diagnosis of either of those 2 things without further investigation.
The 3 photo's below are examples of what he does with his toys and other things. The Play center that is in pieces in the top 2 photo's is one that we have just been given by a friend and it was all sitting in a pile of pieces behind our gate yesterday morning and up until 4pm when Matt got home his morning shift at work.
Around 5pm-6pm I brought the kids inside for dinner (it was a beautiful day yesterday so I sent them outside for the day, unlike today which is cold and overcast and typical of mid-late Autumn weather lol) and this is what I found at the back door. Jaycen had carried/dragged every single piece of the play center and lined them up like this, even going so far to mostly put the pieces in order of size or colour.
The bottom photo is an example of what happens here on a typical day with his trains and cars, he either lines them up like the top 2 photo's (usually on his windowsill or on an old bathroom mat that he has claimed for this exact purpose) or he puts them into a circle like in the bottom photo where he has put his Chuggington trains into a circle and placed other trains and a car inside.
Jaycen is very demanding, and it takes a toll on me every single day that I can't do anything to curb what I see as bad behaviour but which is normal for him. Add my PND into the mix and it's a bad situation for all of us. I am trying to learn patience, but it is getting harder as he gets older and lashes out more, mostly at me and his sister Elise (thankfully he hasn't lashed out at Emily yet and I hope he never does).
Having a child with special needs, whether it is due to physical or mental disability, or even from ADHD or Aspergers or Autism (in all of which the child had special needs) that differ from "Normal" children, is hard, and it feels harder now that we have a more definite (though not 100% decided) answer as why Jaycen is the way that he is. I just wish it had been picked up sooner so that we would have had more time to learn coping strategies and implement a stricter routine with him. I and angry at the MCHN who saw Jaycen at his monthly check ups and weigh in's, I told her something wasn't right, I expressed my concerns at every appointment, and every time I was brushed off and ignored as an over worried and silly first time mother. I feel let down by the MCHN, one of the people who are meant to be on the lookout for these things so that early intervention can be given as soon as possible to allow the child to live what we consider to be a normal life.
Mothers intuition is a powerful and marvelous thing, and in the majority of cases it is always right. I knew something wasn't right but I didn't push the matter further than just mentioning my concerns. Maybe if I had things would be different now ans we wouldn't be having as much trouble coping with Jaycen's behaviour as we are now. Maybe I would have been able and willing to seek help for how I was feeling earlier too, maybe I wouldn't have PND right now.
So many maybe's, and no way of knowing what really could have been.
For now I am taking one day at a time, taking my antidepressants at the same time every morning, trying to be the best mother that I can be to Jaycen and my Girls, trying to teach Jaycen patience and that there are consequences to his actions. What more can I do? I don't know yet. I will know more after he has seen the Occupational Therapist, Speech Therapist and Psychologist - whenever that may be - and after we have seen the paed again on July 17th.
This friday we are leaving for QLD, I just hope that I can manage on my own with all 3 kids.
Regards,
Jenna.
It went well, the doctor typed down everything we said as we said it (a pleasant change from our local GP's who dodn't write notes until afterwards and sometimes get things wrong), and then got the paediatrician in to talk to us as well.
The paediatrician is of the opinion that Jaycen has ADHD, and also has either high functioning Asbergers Syndrome (a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder) or OCD, or even all 3 of them.
To be honest I am not at all surprised. I have known that he was different to other boys his age since he was 18 months old, and suspected ADHD and Asbergers since he was 27 months old and learned how to unlock the front door, open it and cross the road in peak hour school drop-off/pick-up traffic around the same time that he started to obsess over certain things.
Jaycen is an extremely intelligent little boy, he could count to 10 by the age of 2, and knew all the colours of the rainbow and count to 15 by age 3, now at age 4 he can count to 20, dresses himself and puts his shoes on (we are still working on tying his shoelaces on the few shoes he has that don't have velcro). He makes decisions over what he does and what he eats. The only things he is really behind in are the pincer grasp and drawing - he still just does squiggles and lines and only a few circles, although lately he has become obsessed with drawing rainbows. He is also extremely creative, he makes Jewellery with me displaying a very advanced use of colour and shapes, and his hand/eye coordination is very good, at daycare he makes the most amazing creations using the magnetic building pieces (similar to meccano but in different flat shapes like squares, rectangles, diamons and triangles).
The reason why I have suspected Asbergers since he was 27 months old is because I have dated (and even once been engaged to) 2 men with Asbergers Syndrome, and Jaycen is so similar to both of them in temperament and in his actions/behaviour that it is quite scary.
Jaycen is obsessive about cars, motorbikes, trucks, trains, helicopters and Chuggington (a childrens TV show with talking trains). He has aversions to vegetables, bee's and Apples. He gets separation anxiety when I am not around, and he has anger issues because he is unable to control his emotions, basically he is either extremely happy/excited or extremely sad/angry with no grey area's in between.
The paediatrician also confirmed our suspicions about a sensory issue, in that Jaycen has to touch EVERYTHING that he see's, even if it is dangerous to him. He also has to count everything as well, a good example of this is the other day when Matt took Jaycen shopping with him, at the checkout Jaycen had to count every single bar of chocolate in the top layer of the display and when Matt tried to pull him away Jaycen had a tantrum and insisted on finishing his counting - this could be a symptom of both OCD and Asbergers, hence why the Paediatrician didn't want to give us a full diagnosis of either of those 2 things without further investigation.
The 3 photo's below are examples of what he does with his toys and other things. The Play center that is in pieces in the top 2 photo's is one that we have just been given by a friend and it was all sitting in a pile of pieces behind our gate yesterday morning and up until 4pm when Matt got home his morning shift at work.
Around 5pm-6pm I brought the kids inside for dinner (it was a beautiful day yesterday so I sent them outside for the day, unlike today which is cold and overcast and typical of mid-late Autumn weather lol) and this is what I found at the back door. Jaycen had carried/dragged every single piece of the play center and lined them up like this, even going so far to mostly put the pieces in order of size or colour.
The bottom photo is an example of what happens here on a typical day with his trains and cars, he either lines them up like the top 2 photo's (usually on his windowsill or on an old bathroom mat that he has claimed for this exact purpose) or he puts them into a circle like in the bottom photo where he has put his Chuggington trains into a circle and placed other trains and a car inside.
Jaycen is very demanding, and it takes a toll on me every single day that I can't do anything to curb what I see as bad behaviour but which is normal for him. Add my PND into the mix and it's a bad situation for all of us. I am trying to learn patience, but it is getting harder as he gets older and lashes out more, mostly at me and his sister Elise (thankfully he hasn't lashed out at Emily yet and I hope he never does).
Having a child with special needs, whether it is due to physical or mental disability, or even from ADHD or Aspergers or Autism (in all of which the child had special needs) that differ from "Normal" children, is hard, and it feels harder now that we have a more definite (though not 100% decided) answer as why Jaycen is the way that he is. I just wish it had been picked up sooner so that we would have had more time to learn coping strategies and implement a stricter routine with him. I and angry at the MCHN who saw Jaycen at his monthly check ups and weigh in's, I told her something wasn't right, I expressed my concerns at every appointment, and every time I was brushed off and ignored as an over worried and silly first time mother. I feel let down by the MCHN, one of the people who are meant to be on the lookout for these things so that early intervention can be given as soon as possible to allow the child to live what we consider to be a normal life.
Mothers intuition is a powerful and marvelous thing, and in the majority of cases it is always right. I knew something wasn't right but I didn't push the matter further than just mentioning my concerns. Maybe if I had things would be different now ans we wouldn't be having as much trouble coping with Jaycen's behaviour as we are now. Maybe I would have been able and willing to seek help for how I was feeling earlier too, maybe I wouldn't have PND right now.
So many maybe's, and no way of knowing what really could have been.
For now I am taking one day at a time, taking my antidepressants at the same time every morning, trying to be the best mother that I can be to Jaycen and my Girls, trying to teach Jaycen patience and that there are consequences to his actions. What more can I do? I don't know yet. I will know more after he has seen the Occupational Therapist, Speech Therapist and Psychologist - whenever that may be - and after we have seen the paed again on July 17th.
This friday we are leaving for QLD, I just hope that I can manage on my own with all 3 kids.
Regards,
Jenna.
Tuesday 7 May 2013
A Little Bit Disappointed...
My client due early next month has decided not to have me as her doula. I am disappointed, this would have been my first certifying birth, my plane tickets for me and the kids have already been paid for and cannot be refunded due to the airlines no refund policy (that's $550 we've wasted for something that will never happen now).
I'm a bit angry, not at my now former client, but at myself for getting so excited over being given the gift of the opportunity to attend her impending birth. I should have stayed neutral, calm, not looked forward to it so much. I shouldn't have cared as much in the lead up, or planned anything until right at the end.
A small part of me is saying that I shouldn't have even offered to be her doula in the first place, that I was only asking for trouble as I live so far away from her, 1000's of kilometers away from her in a different state entirely.
It hurts, and her announcement came at the wrong time, literally just days after I had had an emotional breakdown from the PND where I wanted to end my life. I feel like things are fucked up all the time, I've even given in, sucked up my pride, and gone down the path of getting antidepressants (Efexor-XR 75mg) from a GP at my local doctors clinic. I haven't started them yet, but I am planning to start them in 2 days time. I hope they work, because I don't want to go through another emotional breakdown again like I did last week, it was scary.
The week before last I also failed my driving test, it gutted me as well, and may have contributed to the breakdown.
Tomorrow I am taking the driving test again, so I am hoping that this time I will pass it.
That's all for now.
Until next time,
Jenna
I'm a bit angry, not at my now former client, but at myself for getting so excited over being given the gift of the opportunity to attend her impending birth. I should have stayed neutral, calm, not looked forward to it so much. I shouldn't have cared as much in the lead up, or planned anything until right at the end.
A small part of me is saying that I shouldn't have even offered to be her doula in the first place, that I was only asking for trouble as I live so far away from her, 1000's of kilometers away from her in a different state entirely.
It hurts, and her announcement came at the wrong time, literally just days after I had had an emotional breakdown from the PND where I wanted to end my life. I feel like things are fucked up all the time, I've even given in, sucked up my pride, and gone down the path of getting antidepressants (Efexor-XR 75mg) from a GP at my local doctors clinic. I haven't started them yet, but I am planning to start them in 2 days time. I hope they work, because I don't want to go through another emotional breakdown again like I did last week, it was scary.
The week before last I also failed my driving test, it gutted me as well, and may have contributed to the breakdown.
Tomorrow I am taking the driving test again, so I am hoping that this time I will pass it.
That's all for now.
Until next time,
Jenna
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